The Mean Reds

2003-06-22T23:07:00.000-04:00

PSSSSSST!!!!!

This is no longer my blog!! My new blog is... [drum roll]

HERE!!!!! ---------------> http://reds.her-own-eyes.org (Don't put in www. b/c it doesn't seem to want to work if you have the www. in the address. Or maybe that's my computer being stupid. So, don't com here no mo'. Melissa has left this building.

HAHAHAHAHA!!! ::skips off to reds.her-own-eyes.org::

2003-06-22T20:14:00.000-04:00

phew, i caught almeda. she's helping me now, so that is good. i thought i'd never see her online again. that damn harry potter and his friends, ron and hermione, had her hostage. the world is good now.

2003-06-22T18:33:00.000-04:00

did this work??

2003-06-19T08:01:00.000-04:00

Let's see. It's the 19th, and the last I blogged was the 15th. So I shall blog now!

Well, I think the biggest thing is that I reorganized and cleaned my room. I took down all my NSYNC stuff except one wall and like 3 posters. When I was taking them down, I became very sad. I realized that I had grown up. The only reason I'm bummed about growing up is because I feel I missed a lot. At the Institutes (my old school) I was expected to be very mature and had to uphold a lot of responsibilities. So, even though I was 13 I felt much, much older. We kept color coded schedules. We got in trouble if we didn't keep them. I don't know I just wished I could be a kid to make up for lost time.

But anyway, my room looks really cool and I like the new layout to it. I guess you'll all have to take a peek.

Hung out with Shannon Moyer and Chad Gant yesterday. We went to Barnes and Noble. Looked at sex books and tried to find lesbian sex for Shannon. No lesbian sex was found. Concluded that Shannon has a penis phobia and then went to the psychology section but got sidetracked when we passed the sex and relationships section again. Oh well. We said hi to Sly because he was working. He gave me a button. I put it on my shoe.

I didn't know Chad was really into Harry Potter. What fun! I'm going to get him Harry Potter in Spanish when his birthday comes around again, b/c he looked at it and was like whoa.

I don't have much else to say. I helped Sage have a revelation last night. The outcome was quite good.

I miss Alison. I'm going to make her a picture and send it to her. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Ta ta, I must take a shower.

2003-06-15T21:58:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday was my trip to the shore. I went with my friends Shayna, Spencer, Marlowe, Ben, Tam, and Chenee. It was uber fun. But Janelle (Tam's twin) couldn't make it. That made me sad, because she's the best. She was such a good friend of mine.

Ben has absolutely no sense of direction. I can't tell you how many times we got lost. But it was all good. Marlowe brought the Rolling Stones to listen to. I got some great advice from Marlowe. About my father, about school, about life. Marlowe is so cool. You ask him to quote any politician in history, he probably could. I don't know if you think that's cool, but I do. Plus he's funny. That's always good too. Another one of those people you all have to meet. I admire his intellect and insight very much. We're all going to see Nay, Tam, and Nelle sometime this summer. But Nelle's going to be in France, so maybe not her. Oh well.

Anyway, ummm...summer's started. Go team us!!

I think I want to get a nose piercing...yeah, a nose piercing. My mom won't let me get one in my eyebrow or lip because she says and I quote "they're too pretty, and you're not allowed to fuck with them." So my nose. Why the hell not?? I was thinking my tongue but evidently tongue piercings rot your bottom gums or teeth in the future. Something like that. I don't want that. The nose seems safe enough :)

Hey Almeda, if I were to learn some more html and java, would you be willing to host me? Or perhaps help me find a host? I don't want to be trapped inside blogger walls anymore and places like geocities and what not aren't very friendly. I hate asking, but it's something I really want to do. Thank you for your time :)

I'm tired and I must call alison before I forget and go to bed.

2003-06-12T20:45:00.000-04:00

I wanted to blog this before I forgot. I just sat outside for a good half hour watching the storm. Storms are the most beautiful things in the world. Better than the sunny days where the sunlight shines of the bright green leaves, and better than windy days in fall where there's that smell of fireplaces carried into your nostrils.

Summer storms are the best. I like how the trees sway and how, when lightning stikes, there's flashes of grey and purple reflected off every leaf. I love it when lightning turns the sky that real pale lavendar. The roaring sounds of thunder. That awesome crack of lightning.

I never realized how much I love the color grey. The clouds were so many different shades of it and at one point the dark clouds slowly started to swirl and blend with the lights. I was amazed by how they blended. Then the dark clouds started to dominate the sky and I noticed the darker they got, they turned these hazy olive greens and rusty oranges. At one point, the clouds in the east were that rusty orange that melted into these grey blues that poured into these rich blues in the west. And to see purple lightning against all those colors was the most incredible thing I've ever seen.

I also like the way the wind carries the rain droplets; the way they make littles waves in the streets and it gives the illusion of the cars being engulfed. I like the way porch lights reflect on the wet streets. And I like how that lights is disturbed by the droplets of water. It looks like the light is splattering like yellow paint. Storms are so cool. I hope its like this tomorrow at the party. If it does, were having it outside. Or least we'll try.

Summer is good only because of the storms. However, there is the fact you aren't freezing cold when you get out of the shower, and the fact that you don't have to shave your legs with goosebumps. But I guess that's only because my house is freezing in the winter. So I'm always cold around here. I hate shaving when I have goosebumps because I'm more likely to cut myself.

I need art supplies, now that I'm officially allowed to sit around and do nothing. I'm done. It's great.

2003-06-11T15:52:00.000-04:00

I think this summer I'm going to be like Harriet the Spy. I'm going to carry around a journal and record everything I see. I did it after I read the book. From ages 10-13 I was so hooked on Harriet the Spy. One of my favorite kids books. I loved it. Damn that was another one I wanted to put on my list!

Anyway, I want to start doing that this summer. Everywhere I go. And if I leave without it, smack me. Or something. Or give me a piece of paper. Whatever.

My mind is too clouded to write about anything else. 1 more final to go....just one more. Oy geez.

2003-06-08T22:38:00.000-04:00

Yeah, that song is our family's theme song. For some reason, NOeL was obsessed with that song when she was 8.

2003-06-08T22:36:00.000-04:00

Well, the end of my weekend was grand. <---- not sarcasm. I got an electric typewriter from my grandmother. Then, my family and I decided to go to Hibachi for dinner. That was a blast. You guys need to start coming on Hevener/FitzPatrick outings. Our family is nuts. After Hibachi, we had to go to Acme. My sister and I took turns sitting in the cart and pushing each other around. One of the many things we do.

When grocery shopping, my sisters and I like to:

1) Hide groceries so when at checkout the cart is filled with stuff we're not allowed to have. (The goal being getting them bought. We're usually successful).
2) Play toilet paper football.
3) Play toilet paper baseball (Hit rolls of toilet paper with paper towels. We've broken the plastic on quite a few paper towel rolls)
4) Play with the price checker thing.
5) Throw toys across the shelves into the other aisle. (We hit someone once. That was bad)
6) Put potato chips in the frozen food cases.
7) Get the huge jugs of protein powders (like MegaMan 20000XX!!! You know?) And fill the cart with those.
8) Ride in the carts. Knock stuff in the cart with you.
9) Only walk on the colored tiles (A lot harder than it seems).
10) Break it down at the deli counter. Or anywhere.
11) Put things on the bottom shelf on the cart and forget about them. (one time we had a can of peas down there and left w/out paying for them. NOeL and I made a song that went "Peas, peas! Free with every purchase!!")
12) Push Gretta into display cases so she knocks them over.
13) Sing the song I wrote about beans in front of the cans of beans.
14) Sit on the patio furniture displays.

............

There's more I'm sure. There's a new thing every time we go. Something NOeL and I want to do is get boxes of condoms and nochalantly put them in the carts of other shoppers.

You guys would have a blast with us.

Download "I Wanna Be A Cowboy" by Boys Don't Cry. So funny. It's going to put a smile on your face. Silly 80s. Good era.

That's all for now.

Good night.

2003-06-07T22:00:00.000-04:00

AtomFilms is amazing. I put a few of my favorites there. More to come.

No recent thoughts.

Have fun studying, everyone :) I know I AM!! <---------- (please not my sarcasm)

2003-06-05T17:01:00.000-04:00

Almeda and Hannah: You are invited to a party @ my house. Friday the 13th, from 7-11. "Be there to be square!" - Mr. Ferro

Anyway, hmm. Wow, we're all going nuts. But it's sunny. So that is good.

MY TEEN GIRL SQUAD SHIRT CAME TODAY!!!! Aww yeah. I'm so wearing it tomorrow!!

Talking to my guidance counselor last night was something I really needed. I hadn't seen her for a month. Much had happened. She has me write a lot. I've got to keep a journal and she's having me write 2 letters. Another to my dad and one to Sage. I don't like journaling. It's a responsibility now. Over the last month I don't think I journaled once. We didn't talk about it, because there were more important things to discuss. But I do need to ask her if there's another way I can do that so it doesn't feel like a homework assignment. And plus, I've realized that it's so much better to talk it out. I feel better talking now, instead of holding in feelings. To tell you the truth, I don't know what changed my opinion on that so quickly. Wait, maybe I do. Yeah, I think that it's because that after Sage and I split up (a whole 10 days ago, right?), there was a lot I realized about myself. About my relationships with others. So in that way, it's been a good thing. It's making me a stronger person already. Can a person's behavior change so quickly?

I don't know. Oh well, I guess I'm just going to have to see how I am in the next few weeks.

Hey, guess what? This summer I'm going to be going to one of these groups who meet with girls with eating disorders. You know what I'm talking about? Anyway, they all meet every week, and since I'll have more time, I can go to it. It'll be cool because I'll be able to talk to girls who are going through the exact same thing. Maybe I won't feel so alone in that part of life once I meet these girls. I'm looking forward to it.

Umm, anything else going on in my life? Ummmmm...........................................OH! My friend Spencer's home. He's clean. It's all good. Even if he failed everything at his school in Aguas Calientes, Mexico. Silly, silly boy. I just hope he does better when he starts at Montco this fall. Spencer can be a punk bitch sometimes. But's he a lot better than he used to be. Everything that used to come out of his mouth was smackworthy. He was such an asshole before. Now he's not, he's even more awesome. I want him to get a blog. I don't know, I think it'd kick ass. I think that you guys will like him. He's a great friend. One of the best listeners ever.

Well, I'm finished for now. Ryan, I got to read your response to Miriam's rant about the Trix Rabbit getting Trix. I used to feel bad for that rabbit, but now I feel he deserves it. Thanks. Did you know that when my dad was growing up, they held a nationwide vote whether the rabbit should get the Trix or not? I thought that was crazy. But true, my grandparents remember that the kids went nuts over it all.

P.S.- Mr. Ferro is hooking me up with acryllic paints for the summer. And he gave me some advice about painting with them and what not. But I think I'll get my own acryllics. I feel bad using the school's when no one else is allowed to. But he's was all cool about it. He's going to let me raid the cabinet. Kinda, heh heh. Guys, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone. So don't say anything. Or I won't be able to have them. I'm sorry it was just too exciting.

Okay bye

2003-06-03T19:01:00.000-04:00

Okay maybe not, but they ARE hott.

2003-06-03T19:00:00.000-04:00

Gabe-a-nator, your sideburns rock the house. Don't fret. I'm your sideburns' biggest fan.

2003-06-03T17:18:00.000-04:00

This originally was a blog where I just talked about the dreams I had. But I wanted just a regular one, minus the hassle of having like...6 blogs. Anyway,

I've been having this reoccuring dream that my friend, Spencer, kills himself. He is my friend who is now home from his year of highschool in Mexico. Anyway, what happens is that me, Ryan, Alison, Sage, and Tom go to pick up Spencer. We're all going out somewhere, but I don't know where. Anyway, we pull up and Spencer's front door is locked. And no one is answering. So I tell everyone to wait there, and I go around back to his patio to see if he's in his living room. I'm standing at the entrance to his yard. The doors are wide open and he's sitting on the coffee table, looking at me. And I'm standing there watching him and he gets up and locks the door. I start to walk closer and then I see him pull out a gun. I start running towards the door and as soon as I get my hand on the door handle he shoots himself. In the glass in the door I see Spencer's brothers, Marlowe and Noah, Ryan, Alison, Sage, and Tom come through the gate. And that's the end.

It's been really bugging me, because it's been a dream I've been having the last week or so. Spencer wouldn't do this, and I don't see why. But in the dream it's because his father finds out about all the stuff that he did in Mexico. Trust me, all of the stuff that Spencer did isn't very good. And his parents would be furious. I don't know what brought this dream. It's creeping me out, because I'm now afraid that there's something Spencer may be hiding. Not necessarily something to make him kill himself, but something bad.

2003-06-02T16:01:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I got all of yesterday's frustration out by grocery shopping with the womyn crew. FYI!!! Genuardi's makes Curious George gummy snacks!!!!! :-O <------------ I was that much shocked yesterday.

Ryan, what was wrong was that I had all this creative juices flowing through my veins and nothing to put it towards. Creativity is my adrenaline. When I get pumped or excited about anything, I need to let that energy out creatively.

I was going to write on this blog, but Everybody! Everybody! is looking a little lonely.

You know what....

Nevermind, I think Ry started the discussion, I'll just elaborate when others comment. But I am worried.

2003-06-01T14:28:00.000-04:00

I hate it when no one is online. I feel alone. It doesn't help that everyone in my house is sitting in their rooms doing nothing.

I need to draw. I need to paint. I need to build something. Sculpt something. I'm dying here. I'm killing for some supplies now. I wish I had money. I wish there was an art supply store somewhere nearby that I could walk to.

Maybe I'll write. Maybe I'll go take some pictures with my camera. But it seems I have taken pictures of everything that I can around here. I need to travel.

I hate that I'm just cooped up here. I'm wasting my life staying here. I need to go to a new place. Paint, draw, photograph wherever that place is.

I'll blog later. I'm too frustrated. I think if I just went into the basement, even, and nailed nails into a piece of wood i'd be okay.

2003-05-29T21:38:00.000-04:00

We listened to this in English class today. I was gabrieling blown away. It's not a song, just a poem. If you have the ability to, download it. I was so speechless. Dylan is a god!! (by the way, it's long)

Bob Dylan - Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie

"There's this book comin' out, an' they asked me to write something about Woody...
Sort of like 'What does Woody Guthrie mean to you?' in twenty-five words...
And I couldn't do it -- I wrote out five pages and... I have it here, it's...
Have it here by accident, actually... but I'd like to say this out loud...
So... if you can sort of roll along with this thing here, this is called
'Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie.' "

When your head gets twisted and your mind grows numb
When you think you're too old, too young, too smart or too dumb
When you're laggin' behind an' losin' your pace
In the slow-motion crawl or life's busy race
No matter whatcha doin' if you start givin' up
If the wine don't come to the top of your cup
If the wind got you sideways it's one hand holdin' on
And the other starts slippin' and the feelin' is gone
And your train engine fire needs a new spark to catch it
And the wood's easy findin' but you're lazy to fetch it
And your sidewalk starts curlin' and the street gets too long
And you start walkin' backwards though you know that it's wrong
And lonesome comes up as down goes the day
And tomorrow's mornin' seems so far away
And you feel the reins from your pony are slippin'
And your rope is a-slidin' 'cause your hands are a-drippin'
And your sun-decked desert and evergreen valleys
Turn to broken down slums and trash-can alleys
And your sky cries water and your drain pipe's a-pourin'
And the lightnin's a-flashin' and the thunder's a-crashin'
The windows are rattlin' and breakin' and the roof tops are shakin'
And your whole world's a-slammin' and bangin'
And your minutes of sun turn to hours of storm
An' to yourself you sometimes say
"I never knew it was gonna be this way
Why didn't they tell me the day I was born?"

And you start gettin' chills and you're jumpin' from sweat
And you're lookin' for somethin' you ain't quite found yet
And you're knee-deep in dark water with your hands in the air
And the whole world's watchin' with a window peek stare
And your good gal leaves and she's long gone a-flyin'
And your heart feels sick like fish when they're fryin'
And your jackhammer falls from your hands to your feet
But you need it badly an' it lays on the street
And your bell's bangin' loudly but you can't hear its beat
And you think your ears mighta been hurt
Your eyes've turned filthy from the sight-blindin' dirt
And you figured you failed in yesterday's rush
When you were faked out an' fooled while facin' a four flush
And all the time you were holdin' three queens
It's makin you mad, it's makin' you mean
Like in the middle of Life magazine
Bouncin' around a pinball machine
And there's something on your mind that you wanna be sayin'
That somebody someplace oughta be hearin'
But it's trapped on your tongue, sealed in your head
And it bothers you badly when your layin' in bed
And no matter how you try you just can't say it
And you're scared to your soul you just might forget it
And your eyes get swimmy from the tears in your head
An' your pillows of feathers turn to blankets of lead
And the lion's mouth opens and you're starin' at his teeth
And his jaws start closin' with you underneath
And you're flat on your belly with your hands tied behind
And you wish you'd never taken that last detour sign
You say to yourself just what am I doin'
On this road I'm walkin', on this trail I'm turnin'
On this curve I'm hangin'
On this pathway I'm strollin', this space I'm taking
And this air I'm inhaling?
Am I mixed up too much, am I mixed up too hard
Why am I walking, where am I running
What am I saying, what am I knowing
On this guitar I'm playing, on this banjo I'm frailing
On this mandolin I'm strumming, in the song I'm singing,
In the tune I'm humming, in the words that I'm thinking
In the words I'm writing
In this ocean of hours I'm all the time drinking
Who am I helping, what am I breaking
What am I giving, what am I taking?
But you try with your whole soul best
Never to think these thoughts and never to let
Them kind of thoughts gain ground
Or make your heart pound
But then again you know when they're around
Just waiting for a chance to slip and drop down
'Cause sometimes you hear 'em when the night time come creeping
And you fear they might catch you sleeping
And you jump from your bed, from the last chapter of dreamin'
And you can't remember for the best of your thinkin'
If that was you in the dream that was screaming
And you know that's somethin' special you're needin'
And you know there's no drug that'll do for the healing
And no liquor in the land to stop your brain from bleeding

You need somethin' special
You need somethin' special, all right
You need a fast flyin' train on a tornado track
To shoot you someplace and shoot you back
You need a cyclone wind on a stream engine howler
That's been banging and booming and blowing forever
That knows your troubles a hundred times over
You need a Greyhound bus that don't bar no race
That won't laugh at your looks
Your voice or your face
And by any number of bets in the book
Will be rolling long after the bubblegum craze
You need something to open up a new door
To show you something you seen before
But overlooked a hundred times or more
You need something to open your eyes
You need something to make it known
That it's you and no one else that owns
That spot that you're standing, that space that you're sitting
That the world ain't got you beat
That it ain't got you licked
It can't get you crazy no matter how many times you might get kicked
You need something special, all right
You need something special to give you hope
But hope's just a word
That maybe you said, maybe you heard
On some windy corner 'round a wide-angled curve

But that's what you need man, and you need it bad
And your trouble is you know it too good
'Cause you look an' you start gettin' the chills
'Cause you can't find it on a dollar bill
And it ain't on Macy's window sill
And it ain't on no rich kid's road map
And it ain't in no fat kid's fraternity house
And it ain't made in no Hollywood wheat germ
And it ain't on that dim-lit stage
With that half-wit comedian on it
Rantin' and ravin' and takin' your money
And you thinks it's funny
No, you can't find it neither in no night club, no yacht club
And it ain't in the seats of a supper club
And sure as hell you're bound to tell
No matter how hard you rub
You just ain't a-gonna find it on your ticket stub
No, it ain't in the rumors people're tellin' you
And it ain't in the pimple-lotion people are sellin' you
And it ain't in a cardboard-box house
Or down any movie star's blouse
And you can't find it on the golf course
And Uncle Remus can't tell you and neither can Santa Claus
And it ain't in the cream puff hairdo or cotton candy clothes
Ain't in the dime store dummies an' bubblegum goons
And it ain't in the marshmallow noises of the chocolate cake voices
That come knocking and tapping in Christmas wrapping
Sayin' ain't I pretty and ain't I cute, look at my skin,
Look at my skin shine, look at my skin glow,
Look at my skin laugh, look at my skin cry,
When you can't even sense if they got any insides
These people so pretty in their ribbons and bows
No, you'll not now or no other day
Find it on the doorsteps made of paper maché
And inside of the people made of molasses
That every other day buy a new pair of sunglasses
And it ain't in the fifty-star generals and flipped-out phonies
Who'd turn you in for a tenth of a penny
Who breathe and burp and bend and crack
And before you can count from one to ten
Do it all over again but this time behind your back, my friend,
The ones that wheel and deal and whirl and twirl
And play games with each other in their sand-box world
And you can't find it either in the no-talent fools
That run around gallant
And make all the rules for the ones that got talent
And it ain't in the ones that ain't got any talent but think they do
And think they're fooling you
The ones that jump on the wagon
Just for a while 'cause they know it's in style
To get their kicks, get out of it quick
And make all kinds of rnoney and chicks
And you yell to yourself and you throw down your hat
Saying, "Christ, do I gotta be like that?
Ain't there no one here that knows where I'm at
Ain't there no one here that knows how I feel
Good God Almighty, that stuff ain't real":

No, but that ain't your game, it ain't your race
You can't hear your name, you can't see your face
You gotta look some other place
And where do you look for this hope that you're seekin'
Where do you look for this lamp that's a-burnin'
Where do you look for this oil well gushin'
Where do you look for this candle that's glowin'
Where do you look for this hope that you know is there
And out there somewhere
And your feet can only walk down two kinds of roads
Your eyes can only look through two kinds of windows
Your nose can only smell two kinds of hallways
You can touch and twist
And turn two kinds of doorknobs
You can either go to the church of your choice
Or you go to Brooklyn State Hospital

You find God in the church of your choice
You find Woody Guthrie in Brooklyn State Hospital
And though it's only my opinion
I may be right or wrong
You'll find them both
In Grand Canyon
Sundown

2003-05-29T16:34:00.000-04:00

Let's see.

Jackie D. was kicked out of preschool for kicking her teacher.

When stepping out of the door this morning, Noel exclaims, "Watch out! ::mysteriously:: We're amongst the elements!"

Just some funny stuff for today.

I have the Noel sitting on Gretta's head picture in my bag, Alison. It'll be on our yearbook coverpage next year, according to Aaron.

I might blog later, who know??

2003-05-28T17:38:00.000-04:00

Ryan, thanks for letting me just cry on your shoulder today. I needed that.

Alison, I'm going to call you. Just as soon as I find your number...I wish I wrote things down more often :-\

Last night, my mother and I had a nice, loooong talk. About Sage. About me. About my dad. I needed it.

I told my mother about how terrible of a time I have accepting the person that I am. The person I've grown to be. I also said that I had trouble accepting what people think about me. I feel people's acceptance of me (excluding my father's), but I can't grip that, that what I've given to those around me, is all and much more than they want from me. I feel I've got to go above and beyond the call of duty. And when I've done that, go beyond that. My mom told me how she felt about me as a person and that I've got to stop beating myself up. That I can't catch every ball thrown at me. I try to do that. When someone's got a problem, and I can't help, I kick myself and put myself down. Majorly.

After my mother told me that, I realized that I'm a pretty damn good person. I've gotten what I've wanted for a real long time. I got reassurance that my mom knows and approves of the person that I have become. That made me feel 100000000 times better. That I am a good person. Don't worry, I recognize what you guys say, but because I didn't know how my mother felt about me, it blocked me from seeing what other people saw. Which hurt me. Which (I think) hurt you guys. Well, it sure did feel like it.

I'm going on a "Diet of the Mind" with this boost that I have tightly in my grasp. This diet is brought to you by John Nash. The movie "A Beautiful Mind" was about him. Anyway, when he struggled with his schitzophrenia, he went on this "Diet of the Mind" where he just blocked the bad thoughts out completely. He succeeded to do that at one point in his life and carried it out for a long time. It's actually something my counselor is having me do now. But I didn't have this confidence in myself before. And now that I have because of what my mother told me, I think I can go on this mental diet and be successful. Making me an easier person to live with.

I think I started this by not worrying about this Chem test I had today. I didn't study. Por que...
1) Stayed up talking with mother dearest and
2) Established a family tradition that when any of the females in my house split up with boyfriends, they all go out to IHOP. So we were there. My mom wanted pancakes and I still wanted to go out, so that's how we thought of IHOP.

Because of last night, like I said I didn't study, and at lunch I was upset. (Bob Dylan + break with current boyfriend = Baaaaad shiznit to do to emotions) So I went into chem. Got a...oh wait...let's check Lettergrade.....survey says...61%. And you know what? I'm cooool about it. That's good, because I'd normally be having heart attack, after heart attack. I'm laughing a lot right now. This not worrying about school? Is a good feeling. And plus my mom doesn't want me to worry about grades anyway, so I'm good. I'm cool.

Another thing I plan to do as my next step on my diet of the mind is to write a list of everything I like about myself. I could do it. And then I'ma put it by my mirror so I can read it before going to school. or anywhere. My mom did that one time. She was suffering serious writer's block (mother = published poet/short story writer/journalist) and she made a list of all her accomplishments, publications, awards, etc. for writing and it helped her feel confident, which made it easier for her to write.

Okay, I'm just blabbling. Anyway, I'm promising myself to keep an optimistic mind set. If I drop/miss a ball thrown at me, I'll catch the next one. I have to just let things flow, and know that I can be wrong sometimes, I hate being wrong. But I just need to learn from my error, and move on. If I can't help someone with a problem, or whatever, I can just listen. I'm good at that. I think. And so people have told me.

Does this all sound good? This will help with a lot of other stuff too. After the conversation my mother and I had about my dad, it made me realize that I can't be perfect in his eyes, because NO ONE can. He always excepts certain, impossible things from people, and sets these extremely challenging goals, and my mom said that no one has ever achieved pleasing him. She also said he sets high goals/expectations for himself, tries to work high above those goals. And he himself can't do it. I do that, and now I see that I shouldn't set high standards if they're impossible to achieve. Because it hurts me and the relationships I have with the people in my life.

Ahh, I've been wanting to say that since last night. I'm slowly pulling through. All will be well with little Heves soon. I just have to take it one step at a time.

I need to give Faith a hug or something tomorrow. I noticed she was crying at lunch, and I'm dreadfully worried about her. Yes, I think I'll do that. It's been bugging me all day. And I'm in the mood for hugging people.

Ta-ta for now. I need to see if my friend, Spencer, has emailed me back. Spencer comes home on the 3rd. Me = excited!!!

X-D

2003-05-25T17:13:00.000-04:00

Why do I have to be so confusing?? I don't get how I think. I came to this conclusion today. My father wanted us all to go see Bruce Almighty with him, but because Noel has been at a barbeque all day, and I was going to work on Tom's film tonight, niether of us couldn't. So he didn't want to go and didn't want to see Gretta. Then after fighting with Gretta, I went to iron my shirt and was thinking about our visits. I haven't been over for a visit since mid January. Now here it is 4 and a half months later, and my dad's really getting pissed. I think it's because Noel hasn't been over there in a while. At least a month. I keep telling her she has to go. But she refuses. The reason I think she has to go is because I don't want my dad's feelings hurt. His feelings. Ugh, I can't stand him and I'm worried about how he feels, when I don't get the same in return. I don't know why I DO this!!! Sorry, guys just a recent thought :-\

2003-05-25T09:46:00.000-04:00

Wow, I've really had nothing to say. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging as much, guys.

Dear Ryan,

I'm sorry. Just for whatever I did to make you angry. Maybe this isn't the most appropriate apology, but I'll try. Ry, I've been a pretty bad friend, in my eyes. I feel I've been selfish. I read your blog everyday, and I read about all the shit you've got to deal with and when you express how you feel about something, I'm very, very hesitant to write a comment. The reason I think I've been selfish is because I'm afraid what I want to say won't be what you need to hear; that it's not going to be any help. So I refrain from commenting. I know, you've heard me say this sooooooooooo many times before. And I wish I could sy something that would help, but I think another reason I don't say anything is this. I won't give my insight on how to cope or help calm anything you're feeling, because I really wouldn't know how. I'm not going to tell you something when I don't know my OWN feelings. I admire that you can express feeling, even if they are bad. Because I can't. When I do, I'm absolutely terrible at it, and I just go back in hiding again. I close my gate again.

I'm sorry that you've opened your gate to us, and I haven't tried going in. I guess I'm scared about what I might find. And now that I think of it, I feel like I've lied to you too. I say that I'll be here for you, and that you can talk to me, but in reality, if you do come to me about something, I'm not there for you. I can't give you guidance. And for that I'm so sorry too. Right now, I want to say that I'm happy that you've said what you needed to say about your anger. It's all something we needed to hear, because evidently we're doing something wrong, so thanks for not letting get any worse than it is.

Well, I think I'm finished for now. I'm going to promise that I'll be there for you, just because I have before, and I didn't keep my promise because I was scared of that promise. Trust me, I really, really wish I could. But if you need to just vent or just get whatever off your chest, I will listen intently. What you say, whether bad or good, is beautiful, and I'd hate to not be able to hear it anymore.

Sincerely,
Melissa

Well, that's it.

There's some other stuff, I'd like to say.

I think I'm starting to feel a tiny distance between Sage and I. He can talk to you, Ryan, or you, Alison about his feeling, but I want him to know that I'm here too. I think that he and my friendship is starting to become distant, which gives our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend a little distance. Ryan and Alison, I'm jealous. I really am. Sage, I'd really like to know what you're feeling these days, because we haven't talked about it recently, and I've contributed, only because when something you do gets me upset, I don't tell you, and that upsets you, I know. I'm realizing that it hurts you more when I pull away, and I don't say anything, when it would be easier for me just to express what I feel. Just remember, that I am here, and I would like to hear what you have to say. I want you to know I'm your friend as well, not just your girlfriend.

That's all, bye for now.

2003-05-19T20:36:00.000-04:00

You know, I said I'd blog again, but this last week, things have been at ease I guess. I'm not feeling as troubled right now, so I didn't have anything to vent. I mean there are little thing, but nothing to big and nothing that's driving me too crazy. But while I'm on my break, this will give me a chance to help you all as much as I can. So go ahead, dump it all on me, I'll listen, I'll give as much advice as I can, even if I may not know what to say. Soon enough I will. I'm kinda slow, only becaue I'm terrified to say anything becuase I'm afraid it won't be what you want to hear. I feel that I'm not as insightful as you all. I've explained this before. Somewhere.

I feel that since you all have helped me so much I need to catch up. So bring it! :D

Anyway, you know what is weird? Aaron Tood, on Saturday, asked me if I'd rather be called fat or anorexic. This was after making a crack about Tom's swing and my weight. I knew he'd never tease me about my weight. But I took it seriously only because of my mentality. But when he asked me about that, I was kinda silent. I didn't know what to say. But I'd rather be called anorexic, than fat. I know I'm anorexic and it's not something I'm ashamed of. I was, but now that I'm trying to fix it, I know it's there, but I'm slowly killing it. But being called fat would make me freak out and do bad things to myself. See what I'm getting at. Aaron, check my post for the 5th or something, it explains everything.

I don't know what you guys think about me telling friends this. I've only told you guys, my friend Amanda, Rachel Looney, and Jackie Doherty. My mother, father, and sister Noel know, but I told my mom, who told Noel and my dad. So I couldn't help that.

Anyway, I'm worried about our little group. With what Sage said on his blog and a couple other things, I'm just worried about us staying together. I don't want our little group to split or anything. But I highly doubt it. And I wish Sage could talk to me about his problems a little more, but I feel that I don't give him the advice he needs, but I want to listen to his problems. I love talking to you guys about what we're dealing with now, only because it makes me feel closer to you all, and it helps me know what's going on, and it gives me a chance to help. And plus, this morning when Almeda came in, she patted me on the shoulder, and that made me feel special because we've become better friends over the last few months I think. Almeda, what do you think?

Umm, I think I'm finished for now, so bye guys :)

2003-05-13T22:33:00.000-04:00

Well, here I am, 3 days later. I first want to apologize. Here I am, saying that I don't like talking to you all about my problems and that I'm not going to blog anymore. I gave this a lot of thought before making any permanent decisions. I'm sorry that I took all the advice and love you guys gave me for granted. I realized that I wouldn't be the same without it. These last few months have changed my relationship with you all for the better, and when I said what i did, I don't think I considered that. I reached deep down and found that writing in my blog is so theraputic, and I imagined what it'd be like without this thing, and dammit, I'd be pretty screwed.

I love you all!! This is why...please remember, this is brief, but I get my point across ;)

Ryan, Sage, Alison, Hannah, and Almeda, my gosh, you guys have no idea what kind of impact you all have made on my life. And it's only been a few months!! You are a fine group of individuals and I know without these blogs I would've never been able to get to know the real you...guys. Anyway, you all are so caring, wise, understanding, forgiving (thanks again Ry), sesitive, and what you have to say has been so good for me. You all are so incredibly smart, and I have found that I relate to all of you guys on so many different levels. We may share same opinions, problems, interests, favorite movies, music, WHATEVER!! And to know there are people who know what I'm going through or what I deal with is so great because I thought I was alone when it came to a lot of things. But now that I know you all, to know that I'm not alone, is such a relief. A relief that I have been searching for, for years now.

You guys will never know what these last few months have done for me. The influence you all have on my life now has changed me as a person, and I only wished it could be this way with all my friends. But then I realized that my head would explode, because...that's a lot of people. Anyway, to talk to you guys is such an escape, there's this bond that has formed between us that I have only had with three other people in my life. My friends Spencer, Shayna, and Kazuki. You'll be able to meet them soon. Except Kazuki because he moved back to Japan. Poor old bloke.

Anyway, I'm so thankful that you all cared to visit my blog one day, as I yours, because as crazy as it may sound, it's made a big change in my life. Thank you so much again for being such a big part of my life, guys and dolls. I only hope that over the next few years it can just grow stronger. Oh Alison, I especially wanted to thank you, b/c your letter to me made me think about all of this, and if weren't for you, I don't know if I would've kept blogging. Thank you so much, Alison. I don't know what I'd do without you, and I'm so glad that we have become friends.

I'm so happy I have become friends with all of you, I just wanted you to know. I love you guys. As I have said hundreds of times before.

I'm sure there's more in me, I just can't come up with the words now, but you guys could figure it out, I'm sure :)

P.S.- Yo Sage, check out our blog. I thought it was about time one of us wrote on it ;)

Toodle loo, you guys. Thanks for getting me off my butt and back in the blog world after my 3 day hiatus.

2003-05-10T22:39:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry. Before I go, I just want you guys to know I love you all, very, very much. You have no idea, you really don't. I'm so sorry for everything. Maybe I'll blog tomorrow.

2003-05-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

I did a terrible thing tonight. I wish I could say, but I can't. But I have a lot of things going on in my head. Something is wrong with me and it drove me to do what i did. Maybe I'm just making a moutain out of a molehill. God, I'm fucked up, I really am. I need help, and I don't know what to do because I feel I really can't tell my counselor everything. I feel very ackward talking to her. I don't think I can get over it. I feel ackward blogging and talking to you guys too. I'm sorry but I do. It's too hard now. This crazy thing called talking about my emotions is driving me nuts and it hurts people. I think I should just lock the gate. Then swallow the key.

I'm crying, I need to stop, they keys are getting wet.

2003-05-10T22:16:00.000-04:00

i think i'm going to stop blogging.

2003-05-05T21:46:00.000-04:00

Wow, it's been a few days since I last blogged and I have a lot to say.

Well, there a lot of stress out of my life now. My cousin, Loyd Bush, is now happily married to Veronica, the love of his life. I played violin in their ceremony. I played three songs and got fifty bucks. I felt kind of bad, but he was so happy, so I just took it. I love Loyd. He's by far one of the best cousins ever. He's a Harley Davison fanatic. He wore a Harley Davison pin on his tie and wore chucks with flames, as did his best man, Roy. Roy's cool too. Loyd is bald and has a long beard thing, kind of like the lead singer of Metallica had. Loyd's got flame tattoos too. I never thought he'd get married, let alone take the role as daddy in a four year old girls life. His wife Veronica, or "Ronnie" has a little girl Erica and Loyd is crazy about both of them. Loyd put a seat on the back of his motorcycle for his little girl. He's changed so much. You all would get such a kick out of him. At the reception he shoved wedding cake in my aunt's face because she told him to shove cake into Ronnie's face. God I love those guys.

But my cousin Shannon's cool too. But he's engaged now and now he's all over his fiance Chrissie, and I'm jealous because Chrissie stole my favorite cousin away. But he said, "If you happen to get some random call with a goofy guy on the other end saying, 'Couwd you pwease pway at our wedding?' That would be me." Shannon started smoking. I think he started when his mom died last year. My aunt Carol. She was so freakin' awesome. But she had severe breast and liver cancer.

My uncle Herb still smokes put and he's 52. He's got long hair and a bushy mustache and beard. Good 'ol uncle Herb. My uncle Paul is pretty cool too, but he doesn't smoke pot.

Anyway, that's what been going on. Sage, Loyd and Ronnie and Erica want to meet you :)

There's a lot of stuff that I need to say. I'm not going to say it's easy to read, because it isn't, but I feel I need to be honest with you guys. But for my sake. And yours. For some reason I feel I'm lying to you guys.

I talked to my couselor tonight. I realized I'm not always strong and that I do make mistakes. I feel I've got to be perfect and I have to be strong for everyone around me. But it hurts me because I feel, to be strong and perfect, I've got to repress emotions because I think if someone sees me insecure about something, or upset, that they'll drift away because if I can't keep myself standing, then how will I keep them standing? Does that makes sense?

My counselor asked me, What emotion are you most afraid of? What emotion do you not want people to see? I couldn't answer. My emotions have been so repressed I don't even know what is inside. But I said that the closest thing is that I don't want people to see me insecure or unsure of what to do because I don't want people to leave. You guys and many others are so, so important to me and if I were to let people see I'm not always so strong, if I were to open this gate I've locked, that you guys wouldn't like what was on the other side. However, my counselor said that people won't be afraid and if anything they'll help me out. So I'm hoping for that.
I guess that the next thing I'm going to say is me opening that gate. And it'll make me feel better, I've wanted to open this gate for so long.

I've been a bulemic/anorexic since I was about 13-14 years old. That's why I've started to see a counselor. I realized (with a little help from Sage) that I've got a problem. So after a few tears, I finally mustered up the courage to tell my mother. It was really hard. REALLY hard. It was just as hard to tell Sage. But I did and I felt so relieved. And I feel better that I've posted this in my blog. I hope you guys understand why I decided to do this. I love you guys. Please understand. I'm doing a lot better since seeing my counselor, and you guys have helped me so much as well. This blog is so good for me. And when you guys comment, that helps me understand what you guys think.

So, that's what I wanted to tell you guys. It's good. Really it is, because I'm telling you guys the truth. Because I feel I've been lying to my best friends. So please, I love you all. And now you know. Thanks for getting this far.

2003-04-29T22:12:00.000-04:00

Why did this picture break my blog in half. It just ran away with the other piece of it!! That silly slut, Janet Weiss. Well hopefully this little ditty fixeded it.

2003-04-29T18:16:00.000-04:00

Which Rocky character are you?

See? I'm destined to play Janet. I think I will. Yes, I will take Sage's advice and be Janet in our little cast XD Is that okay with everyone else?

Anyway, I think the biggest news right now is I think I'm going to become vegetarian. Or at least partially. I'm not sure. Almeda, do you think someone can be partially vegetarian? Can you just give me a lowdown of vegetarianism? I think you are vegetarian. At least from what I remember.

Umm...what else? Hey! Ryan hung out with me at lunch. It was muy divertido :) Gracias mi amigo!!

My life is pretty uneventful right now. I gave the Keswick Theater people my application. I hope they'll like me and hire me

Toodles for now guys :)

2003-04-26T10:41:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the feedback guys. I just want to say, I love you all very, very much. You're great people. The next time I need someone to talk to, expect a call, or IM, or maybe a carrier pigeon flying into your house :) I love you guys.

I'm finding on Saturday morning, that the Indian music played on 103.3, is really relaxing. I think it's a good way to start the weekend.

Last night was a lot of fun. Sage talked about what he, I, and Ryan did, so I don't need to tell you all again. Guys, we have to hang out more often, and maybe on a night that Alison can come. Hannah, I was going to invite you, but I rememberd that you had your Purple belt test thing. I'm sorry I didn't come, I would've like to. How'd it go by the way?

On Thursday, I went to the Degas show with my mother. It was so amazing. I don't think I've ever enjoyed Impressionist are so much. I'm more of a modern art type of gal. But I loved his art. I loved the paintings that had dancers in the background when in the foreground were the scrolls of cellos and bases. I thought his sculptures were pretty cool too. I liked how everything looked finished except the faces. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I thought.

I enjoyed the neud studies the most though. I really wish women (and I most of the time) would see that that is true beauty. Dancers today are really skinny and only have muscle. With dancers during Degas time, they've got muscles, but compared to dancers today they're bigger. But that's beautiful. It made me feel good about myself temporarily just because I thought my build looked somewhat similar to the dancers in the sketches. But then when I had to pull myself out of Degas's world and put myself back the real one, I returned to hating the way I look. But it was a nice change to feel good about how I look. Degas was incredible.

After lunch, we went to the Modern Art section. I always love that. Only two Jackson Pollock paintings, however. That made me a little cross. After Degas, they should plan a Pollock thing. I would got there everyday if I could. He was brilliant. But I fould a lot of artists that I really liked, but I can't remember their names. Oh well. But one I really enjoyed, his name was like Cy something. I liked his art. I need to go to the art museum a lot more.

2003-04-23T10:41:00.000-04:00

In school, I wanted to die and let my spirit linger on earth until i was buried. Just to see if people would miss me. Or maybe I would get in a car accident. I'd like to see who'd hang around the hospital and see how frequently they visited. It would be reasuring. Sometimes I feel if that if either things were to happen, people wouldn't react the way I would want them to react.

I feel lonely. I'm alone. I don't know why I feel so. I just do. There's something missing. I can't put my finger on it, however. Don't you find that interesting when you know you want something, but not what that something is?

I think I may be shutting people out. When I'm feeling depressed I push people away and they don't get a chance to talk to me, so they just ignore me. Then i feel more depressed b/c they just leave me there. But I set myself up for that. I'm a really confusing person.

I don't even know who I am, I think. I feel I've got to be someone I'm not, and it's been this way for so long, I don't think I'll be able to find "me." She's been pushed so far back, she'll have to go through an Odyssey to come through. When that happens, will i let myself down? How the hell should I know if I AM the real me, and I'm just being blind. I'm happy with this personality I;'ve created for myself. I don't want to change it, and I don't think I can. Does that mean I am really blind? Has she completed that odyssey?

Maybe she hasn't maybe she fell, and was eaten by a cyclops. If this really isn't me, I'll lose the people that are important to me and like who I am now. I love Sage. He loves me. If I were to find this true self (igf i haven't already), he may leave. I could lose him, b/c of this change.

But now that I think of it, if I've never been happier with myself, and see myself being the person I've grown to be, does that mean I've discovered who I am?

Life is hard.

2003-04-22T16:03:00.000-04:00

"Some kids have a hole in their soul in the shape of their dads" - Oprah Winfrey

I never planned to quote Oprah ever, but it was important I got that one down. And I really don't believe in souls, but what she said kind of struck a chord. I guess I could relate.

Anyway...

Dear Alison,

Hi my name's melissa and I love alison because she's really cool and smart and incredibly sweet!! You are so cool Alison :) Thanks so much for the great letter, that was so kickin' of you to do. I'm sorry I can't blog everyday, but that's only because I feel if I had blogged everyday, it'd be about the same thing every time, so I like to wait a couple of days, see what inspires me, then I'll blog, and evidently they're pretty good. I like to vary what i write about, only because I'm always writing about the same thing, but that's because it's something my counselor has me do and it's in my real journal. It can become very tiresome sometimes, so my blog is where I can just let go and write about whatever the hell I want. And usually there really isn't anything of substance to write about, just because it's written in my journal.

That's what I love about your blog, there's always something new every day, and I love it, I love your blog!! I love Ryan's blog because his subject matter is usually on the same thing, but he knows how to make it sound different and I'm constantly intrigued by what he has to say. It's the same for every blog I read. Everyone's is so intricate, and I feel I won't be able to do that. I think that's another reason why I don't blog everyday.

Well, now you know why, and now there's a request for me to blog more, I'll try my hardest. Thanks again Alison. Like I said before, I truly appreciated it, and I feel that you've got an awesome blog as well. You're a natural blogger :)

Love Always, Melissa

Okay, now what did I want to say about my day? Well, it's was quite splendid. I got to see all my friends today after the break, and all is well with everyone, at least I think. When I got home from school today, I found a pleasant suprise in my mailbox. We got Rocky Horror Picture Show from Netflix!!! Yes, now see the thing is I already have the DVD (by the by, Hannah, yes the audience participation thing rox my socks, I loff it!!) but it totally skips my favorite scene, "Sweet Transvestite" and it also skips "Sword of Damocles" which I also thorougly enjoy. And me being the trixy person I am, decided to rent RHPS through Netflix (an internet DVD renting thing, you pick ones you want, they send them to you, when you're done, you send them back, they send you more). I switched my crappy version for the Netfliw version that works. And now Netflix owns our old copy!! Hee hee hee!!

Also, I went to Target with my mother and sisters. Gretta needed to buy a new bra. Noel and I wrote a song about Gretta needing a bra and went through the store screaming it at the top of our lungs. It came with a jig and everything. Then Noel and I walked down the upscalator and up the downscalator. That's always fun, but you need to be careful not to fall when switching the right way again. I almost did that. Let's see? What else, then when we were heading to the checkout my mother's eye saw a shirt that said "Flirt" and had timkerbell on it. I replied, "I hate shirts that say crap like that, I'm going to make a shirt in a pretty pink font that says Supreme Masochist and has tinkerbell with a machine gun." My mom laughed heartily. Then while at the checkout, I picked up Gretta's bra and said, "Wow to think I actually could fit into one of these before, but now..." And covered my boobies with my hands. My mom laughed but was beat red, because I said it real loud and a lot of people turned to look at me. Noel was also singing the "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts..." and I replied, "My coconuts are 38Bs" "God get me away from these children," exclaimed my mother. She's says that every other sentence. I think we drive her a little insane.

Well, that's what has happened today. Hope you enjoyed. I think I realize why so many of our friends want to be a part of our family. I'd want to be apart of my family, too, if I were them.

2003-04-19T00:01:00.000-04:00

Okay, first thing's first. The best blog in the world would consist of: Ryan, Almeda, Sage, Hannah, Alison, and I. And what the hell, why not Neil and Smith. I'd be interested in seeing one of those. Anyone else?

I haven't done any homework yet. I've got my term paper for history and my persuasive essay for Acad. Access to work on. I don't care. Whatever. I've been too busy "tryingta chill" and watching Rocky Horror Picture Show and watching my new favorite show, "Six Feet Under." It's a show on HBO. It's about a family who owns a funeral home and it's crazy, each episode starts out with a random person dying, and in most episodes the spirit of the person follow the family around. Plus there's all this other stuff, but I'm serious, it's a really good show.

Yeah, and it's been forever since I last watched RHPS. And I'm still obsessed. I've been listening to MP3s from the movie all day yesterday and today. Ahh, I love it, I'm telling ya! Me and my other obsessed friend, Nate Edwards, are seriously thinking about starting a cast. The Keswick Theater, which is two blocks away, still has their old movie screen, so if we get enough people to come, we could do it.

You see, when you went to see Rocky Horror back in the 70's and even today, there were/is three parts to the theater experience:

1) The Actual Movie.
2) Audience Participation (there's a whole script of thing people scream at the screen or throw. For example, at the wedding, you throw rice. Or this one, you yell, "Describe your balls" at one point, and instead of describing the storm clouds, the Criminologist describes his "Heavy, dark, and pendulous" balls.)
3) The Cast. The Cast acts out the movie whilst it is playing. And it's great! It's the most important part of the Rocky Horror experience. Luckily for me, Dave Shaner's father and Jackie Mark's mother both were Dr. Frank-N-Futer at one point in time, so I can consult them, IF Nate and I really do this. They'd know what we need.

Ugh, I would kill to bring a cast together. It'd be so hot. There's gotta be more people in this area who'd want to do this.

Anyway. I've been meaning to write about this topic for weeks now. So now I am.

I've seen a lot of things in my life so far. I've stood in front of the Leaning Tower, the Colluseum, and St. Peter's Cathedral. I've seen two rolly polly women in matching pink jumpsuits and knitted ski caps, matching large rimmed glasses and patend leather jackets. The walked in unison. Tweedle Dee and Tweelde Dum.

I saw a group of three, middle-aged, men animately playing a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors" on the side of the highway. I've seen a mother give birth. I've seen a man die.

There's so much more, but the one thing I've seen that has really saddened me wasn't 9/11 or the pictures of the war occuring overseas, or pictures of appaling events in history. It was the suicide note of a cocaine addict.

I was at a train station downtown. We had gone down to see violins. While waiting for the train, I saw these words scribbled on the green paint of my bench. I started to read. The words were beautiful. The way he talked about his addiction and how it fucked up his life, for some reason amazed me. It was actually a poem, and it was the most beautiful one I had ever read, despite it's dark subject. I can't remember how any of it went, but I remember what I felt towards it.

He slowly overdosed. That's how he decided to kill himself. It said so, however, the poem was never finished. The longer it got, the looser and harder to read the words became and finally, the last letter of the last word ended with a wavering line and ran off the bench. At that point I got up, the end freaked me out, I was standing where a man died. I walked to the tracks and saw a syringe there, somewhat hidden by a newspaper. I wanted to cry.

The next week, we had to go back to the violin place, so when we got to the train station, I wanted to read the poem again. Someone had painted over the suicide note. I was furious. It made me wish I had written down the previous week. I should've figured something like that would've happened to it. I would've done it to keep the spirit of that person alive. It was his last chance to make his presence known to the world. I don't know if he was ever identified.

2003-04-16T23:10:00.000-04:00

i wanted to blog but now i dont, so i'm going to go to bed instead. i'll write tomorrow. g'night. sage, sorry i didn't call you, i was out with noel.

2003-04-13T09:29:00.000-04:00

This was from yesterday, but i never got to post because i helped sage with putting a comments server up.......

Okay enough of that joke.

Today I was very creative. Let's see, what did I do. Well, I went outside. Okay before I go on, oh my god, it was so amazing today X-D Anyway, I drew a little sketch of the lamp on my porch. It actually didn't turn out all that bad, "it's so cute", i like it. But then I took my markers and drew this banging abstract picture. It was so crazy but I love it. Someday, one of you guys will be able to see it. hope so.

Anyway, I came back inside after writing about art. I was really bored and all the creativity that was running through my veins was slowly wearing off. My creativity is like a drug. I'm addicted to it. Only because when I start to get creative and put it towards something, my heart starts to speed up and I work so well, and I just go crazy man. I love ART!!!!!

Anyway, it was wearing off, so desperately I started violently rummaging through my basement and random cabinets. And it was a real tease to find a beautiful piece of wood beggin me to cut an image into it. But I have no tools and no ink to print so I quickly ran back upstairs reminding myself to use that piece of wood this summer when i will have he tools.

I started looking through this cabinet in my kitchen and found some blow pens. Basically you blow into them and ink splatters on the paper. It was fun because i snuck up behind my sister and when i told her to turn around I blew some ink on her head. Almost her entire forehead had green on it. But the blowpens got boring after a while, only one worked. So I continued searching and low and behold, I found a glue gun.

There were tears in my eyes and the clouds separated and i could hear angels singing in the heavens. So I took it and some glue out of the cabinet and after going through my entire house I found some objects to glue.

I spent two hours gluing junk to a block of wood, and it actually didn't turn out all that bad. Sometimes you'll get to see that too. Because it's really fun.

Therefore, when you're bored, play with a glue gun. If you don't have one you're screwed.

Bye, now to blog for sunday

2003-04-09T17:16:00.000-04:00

i do a little dance for you it's fun and games and tra la la.

I'm going to tell a joke.

Okay, so Ryan, Sage, and.....Grant were driving in a car one day, listening to their all-time favorite album (on Eight track), "The Singing Nun." Suddenly their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Because Grant and Ryan forgot to charge their cell phones and because Sage was under a boulder and didn't have one, they walked 2.73 miles and came across a large, beautiful farm. The farmer there gladly let them use his phone. But to their surprise, the farmer had a drop dead gorgeous daughter, and the minute they saw her, they all wanted to marry her.

They came to the farmer with their dilemma and he thought about it and said, "If you want to marry my daughter so badly, go out into the field and pick a fruit. To marry her, you must fit 30 pieces of that fruit into your mouth. If you can't complete your task, I must shoot you and you die. Ryan, Sage, and Grant really liked the sound of that, so they skipped merrily off into the field and started to look.

First to go was brazen Sage. Now, unfortunately for Sage he picked apples. He could only fit two in his mouth, so too bad. He was shot to death and died.

Next was wise Ryan. They called him wise, for he picked grapes. Ryan had gotten 29 in his mouth and was easily fitting the 30th in his mouth but unwisely, burst out laughing, spitting all the grapes on the ground. The farmer, showing no mercy, shook his head and shot him to death and he died.

Now, up in heaven, whilst sitting on clouds, eating bagels with Philadelphia Cream Cheese, feeling a little guilty for dissing their girls, Melissa and Katie, Sage turned to Ryan and asked, "Why, wise Ryan, did you spit out all the grapes, you could've had the farmer's daughter!"

Ryan simply replied, "I saw Grant with a watermelon."

The end.

I've always liked that one X-D

No thoughts for today. I'm realtively happy.

P.S.- I'll try to post a lil Sing Nun for ya'll okay?

2003-04-08T09:08:00.000-04:00

Yeah, so i was going to blog yesterday, again that is, but I didn't feel up to it, and plus no one else was one the internet, so i really didn't feel like staying on.

Anyway, I can't realy remember what else i wanted to say. But my counselor Ms. Holcomb and I talked about me and my father. She says, that I should write a letter, which i have, but i said i haven't yet to stall. she wants me to talk to him face to face, and I'm terrified to. But I don't think she realizes that I don't want to have my father in my life anymore. I mean i just don't, at least close to it. She thinks I want to work on the relationship and make it better, but I just want to tell him how I feel, let him give his input and that be it. Or something like that, I don't know what I want out of it. I just want to tell him. What happens after that I don't care, but I know he'll do his stupid whiny oh, it's all about me me me, joe joe joe (that's his name), and he'll focus the entire thing on how he feels, he won't consider what I say, and I know I won't be satisfied. That's how it always ends up. I can't stand that self conceited bitch.

but i feel i may be selfish in the situation now, just because of how I'm talking about it. Do you think I am? I don't know, maybe I'm not but that's just because every little thing I do for myself, I feel selfish and guilty afterwords, that's why I can't tell myself to do stuff I want to do. If that makes sense.

afdkjahsdfkjshdat oiytiuhaekjghfdmkja ta <-----------------------me venting a little frustration X-\

I'm going to play a game! Tra la la!! ::skips off...kind of, the games are on the computer::

2003-04-07T09:40:00.000-04:00

I'm so incredibly tired. Yesterday my mom looked at me for a second, she said it looked liked someone had been smacking me around because the circles under my eyes looked so dark.

Anyway, yesterday I had an interesting walk outside. I did so much thinking. I went out, I put Bob Dylan's "Blood on the Tracks" in my CD player thing (exceptional album, my favorite album of all time, I've declared.)

Anyway, as I said I did a lot of thinking about my life. I was kind of down because my step mother had stopped over Saturday night, she thought she was thge reason i wasn't coming over. That's because the last time i saw her, she yelled and cursed at me and called me a fucking bitch. Anyway, that whole incident was the last candle on the birthday cake for a 50 year old. She's so blind. She doesn't realize how awful my father really is. She thinks he's a great man, but that's only because he's "brain tinted" her. I wish that she wasn't so narrow minded in this situation.

Also, my mother told my father about the counselor I've been seeing and the reason why. She also told him about the incident with Nancy and that why I stopped going over. So my mom was the one who messed up that story. But now my dad knows that I'm not a Rachel's every week working on labs, or out with Jackie, or Sage, or Ryan, or Tom. He now knows I lied and know that I'm avoiding him. My mom told my father not to come to me to talk about it. I have to.

My mom thinks she's helped me with my father a bit, she think's she nudged me out the door. But I'm still afraid. I don't understand why I'm afraid to tell him what I've wanted to say for 9, 10 years. If I feel such passionate hate towards him, why can't I express it??

I wans't happy that my mom did that. She shouldn't have, but she thinks she did right :-\

So, I thought about that. I've got more to say, but the bell is about to ring, I'll blog when I get home.

It's snowing. I feel bad for the poor little magnolias outside.

2003-04-04T19:43:00.000-05:00

Recently, I went onto Almeda's blog. Today I saw Will Bruce on her blog and for s's and g's (shits and giggles) i did a search on his name. I found some things that amused me quite a bit, and again, for shits and giggles I did a search on MY name. And I was quite sad to find what i did. So...

Dear Almeda,

I'm so incredibly sorry for not inviting you to my party last year!!! I felt so guilty after reading your blogs from december '01!!! I didn't know, I just didn't know 8'(

'Meda, you are such a cool person and you're brilliant and quite witty, and if it makes you feel any better, I was out the last two days of school before Christmas break because I was sick with a 103 degree fever for four days. I couldn't get out of bed. Did you cast a spell?? I'm not saying you're a witch, I mean if you are, that's cool, can you teach me how to turn Sage into a frog? But I'M SURE you're not a witch...ookay I'm getting off topic.

Anyway, will you ever forgive me for my non-inviting-Almeda behavior? And if this makes you feel any better, 5 people came to my party, when I had invited 15. And the only people from Abington that came were Kim Reynolds and Sarah Rookwood, and they acted quite shady and not cool.

Once again, I'm dreadfully sorry, and the next time I have a party, I'll be sure to invite you first. Cross my heart and kiss my elbow. I can't kiss my elbow right now, but I'm so intent on keeping my promise that I'll do yoga so I CAN kiss my elbow.

Sincerely,
Melissa

P.S. - Someone was evil. I didn't know you had a blog at this point in time. Therefore, I never wrote this:

"Do you actually think I would invite rabble such as you to my party? Please note that the "my" in the previous sentence should be italicized, but as I am Melissa and therefore am unknowledgeable of hyper text markup language, there is no way I could possibly know the tag for italics. Anyway, back to my party. Only those who can quote directly from The Old Man and the Sea (please see note above as to why this title is not underlined) were invited. Seeing as you failed miserably in your attempt to recall the great words of that master of language, Ernest Hemingway. I am off now to prepare the appetizers for my gala and to finish off the last few chapters of The Sun Also Rises. Ta-ta, dirtbag."

I'm going to find the fiend who posed as me!

One last thing, I want to stab the dictator of the pop up gov.'t! This ad definetly came up that started out saying, "Message from SKINNY PERSON, to: FAT PERSON"

Ouch. ::draws the switch blade out of her sock::

Toodles, have a marvelous weekend!!

2003-04-04T09:28:00.000-05:00

My abdomen in general stopped hurting after school, but I somehow broke a few capillaries in my middle finger, and it bruised up. My sister said that I probably jammed my finger and didn't even know it. Well, how do you not know that you jammed your finger?? I mean come on you've got to feel that.

Anyway, Tom threw his glass pane yesterday and the people who lived in the house, near where he threw it, made him clean it up. Then little Catholic school children were laughing at him, and then he chased them saying "Watch it, I just murdered someone!!" because he had blood all over his hands.

I accompanied Sage when he went to talk to Ryan. I must say, I must go over to hang there more often. It was a lot of fun!! X-D
Great group of guys. Interesting conversation. And I wasn't uncomfortable with them talking about masturbation. It was quite interesting and amusing actually. I used to think masturbation was weird and for sex fiends, but it's normal. So go ahead!! MASTURBATE!!!

2003-04-03T12:58:00.000-05:00

excuse me complaining about my stomach. it still hurts. it's one now, but it was on my mind at the time.

2003-04-03T08:56:00.000-05:00

Almeda, I'm sorry my rap scared you.

Anyway, I'm in math class again. I love PSSAs right now. Muy divertido (very fun, to you non-spanish speaking people)
But I won't like them next year, being I'll have to take them.

Anyway, my day has been quite intersting. My day started at 4:33 am. I woke up with this unbelievable pain in my lower abdomen, and I figured (because of the extremely large cup of coffee i had that night and because my body doesn't tell me when I've got to go to the bathroom at night) i had to go to the bathroom. I did, but it only got worse and i keeled over in the hallway. after lying there for a few minutes, I got up and crawled back into bed, and waited until my alarm went off, to get out of bed.

Whilst walking to the bus stop this morning with Tom Wingert, he found a very large pane of glass and decided to take it. He put it on top of the bush @ the bus stop for safe keeping. However, I'm pretty sure it won't be there at the end of the day.

I ate some Skittles.

And now I'm here at 8:43 am. My lower abdomen is still killing me. I don't know what it could be though. And yes, I've already thought of my little red friend, however, i know what those cramps are, and i'm pretty sure they aren't those. And I was really worried because this morning the pain was the most intense on the lower right side. I wanted to barf i was in so much pain. Has that ever happened to you before??

Oh well, that's my day so far. I'm dying. I'll leave all my stuff out on the sidewalk so you guys can come by and take what you want. But i think I've promised my stereo to Stasia and my JC Chasez posters to Jiffy Pop. But you chose from my crap ass computer, my black and white retro tv, my air conditioner, my toothbrush, my other NSYNC posters, my Frodo poster, my barbie sheets, my barbie doll, my rooster that roosters, my CD collection, my lamp, my leis, my mirror that says "Hey girlfriend wuz up?" on it in stickers. My mirror also comes with Spice girls stickers, a really ugly hula girl drawing and some chinese fortune cookie fortunes taped on it. What else? Umm, I've got some razors that i haven't used, some extra playboys from christmas, a hot pink feather boa, all 30 of my ties, some prom dresses, my old retainers, lots of books, my monster pen that glows in the dark, some old POGS from when I was 10 or so, a box of tampons, and.....ermmmmmm...and My Dalai Lama calendar.

All are very valuable to me. So, take what you want. I've also got some bobble head dolls and two toy cows that moo.

2003-04-02T12:35:00.000-05:00

i'm keeping the white armband alive, yo! i just forgot monday and yesterday. TEE HEE! anyway, i'm supposed to be researching the samurai for my history term paper. samurai chop!! bye :)

2003-04-01T18:07:00.000-05:00

My Ghetto Rap Blurb

Little do people know, I do have my 7 second rap, check it out it is off the heezy, yo.

2003-04-01T17:50:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was interesting. Rachel caught me with my harid own yesterday and when I threatened to put it up, she chased me around the auditorium. She said I had to wear it down all day, and because I'm her biotch and she's a foot taller than me, I had to listen to her. I got many compliments for my hair, even if I felt it was ugly and knotty and fell wierd. I failed to see what others saw.

When I got home, my mother told me that I was seeing my new counselor at 6:30. My mom is really good at failing to tell me things. One time, she told me I had a gymnastics demo to get ready for and it was 20 minutes before i went on. I got changed, got my hair pulled back and had my chicken salad eaten in 10 minutes. I felt like throwing up after the routine because i never got to digest.

Anyway, I think my counselor is great. She's funny, really nice, and the greatest thing is that she's went through the same ordeals when she was my age. So she can relate to my situation on sooo many levels. There were a lot of things that were really stressing me out and making me depressed and I don't think I've ever realized them because these situations have been so common in life that I ws just used to all that crap. But she said that they were causing me to do what i do to myself. I mean not only that, but there were big contributors. She's having me keep a journal everday now. I already am, but it's focusing just on my problem.

I want to let you all know more about what's going on with me, but then a part of me doesn't. That's why I respect Ryan and his decision to let us all know what's going on with him in his blog. I mean I'm sure there's a lot we don't know, but he gives a very good picture. I feel like I am misleading or confusing you. I don't know. My counselor also says that I'm too afraid of what others think and I hide my feelings. And I do, I can't talk to others when I've got a problem because I feel selfish and that I'm not being considerate of other peoples feelings. And when I DO talk, I leave a lot out just for that reason. Oh well.

I think that's why I think my blog's so "beat" (as my aquaintance, Jim Rossi says). I get to say most of what's on my mind and I don't fear what other's think. Does that sound weird? I think it's just because I love to write about my problems. I hate speaking about them.

Anyway, I think I've confused you again. If I haven't I'm just being self-conscious, or something.

Anyway, today was okay too. SAGE PLAYED THE MEANEST LITTLE PRANK ON ME TODAY!!! GRRRRR!!! He told me that Olga told him she found out she was HIV+. I got so scared i felt like my stomach had come up to have a little conversation with my trachea. Then he screeched "APRIL FOOLS!!" I smacked him and I got real angry. He wanted to drag it out all day, too. And you know, if he had done that, the second he told me it was a joke, I would be so angry I wouldn't talk to him. Because I truly think it's not something to joke about, so Sage, it's a good thing you couldn't not laugh after you told me. You would've been in even more trouble.

On a lighter note, Jackie Doherty, Allison Finklestein, Erin McDermott and I started a rap group. WE're going to write raps and everything, and Jackie is actually really, really good at it, she just started singing stuff off the top of her head. I mean we're just doing it as a joke and the songs were ridiculous, but that doesn't matter. And we've got the best rap names too. I'm the Notorious H.E.V.E, Jackie is Jiffy Pop Diggity Dogg (Jiffy Pop or J Pop for short), Erin is M dawg Wes' Siyeeed, and Allison is DJ B. Bling with duh Ching Ching.

We're going to rock the house. Well, in this case our lunch table. It was funny, Jackie was singing B.I.G songs but with H.E.V.E instead...

"Hevee, hevee, hevee can't you see? Somtimes your word just hypnotize me and I just love your flashy way I guess that's why you hang with Jiffy Pop-ay!!"

Okay that enough outta me, bye X-P

2003-03-29T13:48:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm sorry to those who tried to get onto About-face. I guess they thought they'd play a trick and shut down the site temporarily RIGHT after I blogged :P

Anyway, I'm feeling very happy now. I've got a Blue's Clues desktop, Ru says he loves life and can love everyone, Sage can actually go out. All is good, all is good :) Ry, congrats for your day at the gym, those tricep pushups are hard, I remember having to do them, they were brutal!!

I think I'll tell you all a little story. It's quite amusing. Well, it all started on Thursday. I was on the bus with Will Whit and my sister Noel, and they were teasing me because I was real gullible. It came up when we were waiting for the bus, Whit yelled "Oh look a manatee!!" And I turned around to see where, but I realized he was talking about my earring, shaped like a manatee. He was all like, "Melissa, now do you really think i thought I saw one out in the middle of the road??"

But that's not my story, so anyway, they were teasing me because I was gullible. Whit, being the scheme-ish little boy he is said, "Melissa do you know that 'gullible' isn't in the dictionary?" I was like "SAY WHAT?!?!? WHAT IS THAT YOU SAAAY?!?!?" He was like, "Really, and you know what, the dictionary I have is the only version that HAS the word in it." Excitedly, I grabbed his dictionary, and sure enough, it was there, and I was amazed!!

Of course, Will and my sister busted out laughing and I felt quite stupid, but I was like, "well just goes to show you how much I trust you guys!!!"

Anyway, that was my story

I'm going to be like Hannah just for today's post:

"Your freaking test scores are bringing down real estate. Look, test score mean real estate, real estate means money, money means power, power means domination, domination means supreme masochism!!!!" - Mr. Ferro, talking about the supposed "bad" PSAT scores of the sophmore class

Bye yall, enjoy your weekend :)

2003-03-27T13:16:00.000-05:00

I left school early today. I needed to, I wasn't feeling all that good mentally, so I faked a bad migraine. I felt bad, but I do get them, so not that bad.

Anyway, I stumbled across this site, About Face. It's a site against the typical body image and the objectification of women in the media. These pictures aren't hot, they aren't cool, they are terrible. I fell terrible about the gifts I gave my guy friends back in December. It was like I was supporting all of this!! I don't support it, I mean I did it as a joke, but still. I feel so guilty about it :(

Anyway, they have all these ads that are just absolutely apalling! When a woman/girl see things like this ad from Diesel, how is she supposed to think about herself?? This is just so disgusting. I mean just read what they say. How do things like that get published? If I were really into on of my "i hate my body" moods ( i always am, just some are worse then others) i don't know what I would've done.

Anyway, just surf the site, because not only do they have eye openers like the ads, but they have other great things about body image, etc.

Well, that's all I have to say. 1% of American women are capable of looking like the typical super model.

Now, that's all i have to say for right now.

2003-03-25T18:09:00.000-05:00

Hmm, today was good. When I came up the walk today when coming home from school, I saw a robin, the first one I've seen for this spring season. It made me smile. But my smile faded at the mere thought of allergies. Ahh allergies, how I love my nosebleeds so :D (Note, once again, my sarcasm)

Also, read this, Dressed to Protest. I've never really heard anything by Anti-Flag, but I think that's okay, because what they're saying is awesome. Reading this really finished clarifying my opinion about the war on Iraq, and quite a few things said in this I had already agreed with, but didn't know how to express it, so instead of sounding stupid, I kept it to myself, but big thanx to Almeda for finding it. I'm wearing a white armband on Friday, hell, I think I might wear it for longer after that. Dress to protest on Friday guys, and maybe download some Anti Flag songs. I gotta do that. I'm always open to hearing something new.

2003-03-24T21:35:00.000-05:00

Wow, you know I had this really, really nice post all written out before, and just when I was about to click the "Post and Publish" button, my computer restarts automatically!!!! YIPEEE!! (Note my sarcasm) $#^&#$#@!! I hate my computer, if I could I'd get a brand SPANKIN' new one, but my money at the moment is either going to:
1) Rowe (If three people drop out all of a sudden)
2) Paint, canvas, and brushes for painting this summer
3) A guitar and lessons because I am so set on learning, because I WILL!

Yes I plan to drain my entire account, but my sister's friend's family own a restaurant down the street, hopefully he can put a good word in for me so i can get a job there. I'm an exceptional bus girl i hear

Ha! I said on Alison's blog that I was her tie-waring friend. If I was tie waring I wouldn't be wearing them, I'd be like, sending through a paper shredder or something, or running them over with a lawn mower. I've noticed when I got to type wearing, i always skip the "e"

Anyway, I'm blogging because of something that was talked about in English class today. We were talking about what really offended us and Brian Painter said people who shoot down others opinions and people who contradict what they're fighting for. He couldn't have told a more perfect story.

He said that in San Francisco there was a war protest, i think over the weekend, perhaps. Anyway, there were the protesters, protesting their butts off. This guy who was pro-war decides to drive in his truck to express his feelings towards the war. The protesters pull him out of his car, almost beat him to death, and total his car, because he was for the war.

WHAT THE FUCK, PEOPLE??!?! Okay if you're against the war, you're against the violence in Iraq (most likely, i hope). So why would you go kick the crap outta some guy who was for the war. So both things were accomplished:
1) Shooting down others opinions on both parts (evidently, the pro-war guy wasn't being very nice)
2) CONTRADICTION!! (On the protestors behalf, of course)

I mean, come on, that's just ridiculous. It instantly reminded me of the Hindu/Muslim conflicts. Gandhi encouraged non-violence strongly, however his people violently fought because of differences in religion. When we talked about this in class, half of the students in there blamed Gandhi for that violence. I really tried not to shoot it down, and I really thought hard about how it possibly could've been Ganhi's fault. I most definetly don't think it was any Gandhi's fault because those were the actions of those people, not his. He didn't want people to kill each other, he wanted peace and unity in his country. I just can't understand why people would've thought that it was Gandhi fault that happened.

Same with people who are pro-life when it comes to abortion. They don't believe in killing babies, but they bomb abortion clinics with many people inside. Most likely KILLING THE PEOPLE INSIDE!! What IS that??

People confuse me.

This is all i have to say for today, good night :)

"Peace, peace is what I seek; and public calm;
Endless extinction of unhappy hates" - Matthew Arnold

2003-03-22T18:28:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching The Ice Storm. It was an exceptional movie. It was about disfunctional families and affairs and whatnot. But what I thought was strange was they made Tobey Maguire the main character even though he was like in 4 scenes. Quite confusing, but like I said, it was real good. It's great because I signed up to get all these Elijah Wood movies on Netflix and they're FINALLLY coming! Woot Woot. So I've got two movies filled to the brim with Elijah Wood hotness!!

Anyway, today I finished cleaning my room. It usually is really nice a tidy, but because there's been so much on my mind the week - two weeks or so, i could've cared less. But I did it to keep my mind off my "trouble(s)".

I HAD A PIZZA DREAM LAST NIGHT!! For those of you who don't know, whenever I eat pizza (not the frozen kind or something you'd buy at the grocery store, the hardcore greasy stuff yo!) I have the STRANGEST dreams when I go to bed that night. And being last night was the first night I've had pizza in quite a while I had a peculiar dream. Here's how it went down.

Okay it all started when this girl from school came to live with us. It was acutally one of the preppy snobs that threw food at me this year. Quite strange. Anyway, her name was Hannah and she seemed quite nice in my dream. Although i think her name's Brittany in real life.
Okay so anyway, after she walked into my house to go upstairs, my dream cut to me sitting in front of my computer. I just so happened to be on the Bath and Body Works website (what the f-?!?!?) and I was looking around there and in big bold letters it said "New Scent: Hannah's Feet!!!" I was so excited. So I turned to the Hannah girl staying with us to tell her (By the by, Hannah was sitting in a little school desk playing with finger paint). So I tell her, and she's all like, "Well my feet don't smell like that, blech!!" So with sadness that this Hannah wasn't as excited as I was about the new B&BW scent, I went to check out Hannah S.'s "cheeseblog". And I read that she had won a contest at Bath and Body Works, and she said she'd one first place in the new scent competition. Then I left a comment congratulating Hannah S.

So yes my dream last night was about Hannah's Feet. Hannah S., I hope your feet smell dandy today!

Well, that's all for now, I just had to post my dream, because I woke up laughing this morning.

I've gotta find good wedding music :P

2003-03-22T11:16:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't blogged since Monday, and I thought it was about time. A lot is going on now, and yes, I want to talk about it and just splurge all my feelings, but then there's this other part of me that's saying, they don't want to read it. Not because it's boring, just I don't think people want to know about this part of my life. Sage does, but only a few more people do.

But I'm going to start seeing a counselor. It'd be really good for me, not only for the thing I'm supposed to be going for, but it'll give me a chance to talk to someone about my family and basically my life in general. It'd good for me and my brain.

Anyway, we're at war. I'm not sure what I should feel about it. Yes, I know we're at war, but a part of me doesn't believe it. What they show on TV seems like a part of a movie, and movies aren't about real things. I mean sometimes they are, but I don't know, this all doesn't seem real to me. I'm not there in Iraq or Kuwait or whatever. The same thing with Septmeber 11th. I wasn't physically there in New York, it didn't seem real to me.

Whether or not we should be at war I think no way, sir. The mutilation of humans and the destroying of someone else's country isn't cool at all. I mean people for the war have made good points, but I have my opinion and it hasn't changed. I consider the opinions of everyone and I think about them and how I feel about those opinions. And I don't know everything about the America's and the Middle East's relationship, but I'm basing my opinions on what I do know about the past and present. But I still firmly stand with my opinions and that's how I'll keep it. When I go to salute the flag every morning, I just stand, I don't put my hand over my heart. To put my hand over my heart, feels like it means that I am happy with and proud of my country and that I love being an American. Which isn't true. I'm not happy with it, I'm not proud because our gov.'t has called for war, and I don't love being an American. I stand in respect for those who have been great American leaders, American lives lost in the past, and the soliders in the Middle East now, but that's all.

I'm not against the soldiers, I'm against the war. I am proud of our soldiers. They risk their lives for this country and they're fighting for us. I feel that they shouldn't be there, but they are, and a 16 yr old girl can't change that. Oh well, I can't really think of something else to say, but I did read on Liam's blog about drafts and stuff, and that got me thinking a little bit. I really, really, hope doesn't come to that, because I'd be losing many people I know and love to war. Not necessarily, they'll die, but war is so incredibly difficult for someone, and if they are drafted and when they come back, they won't be the same people that left. That's what I'm afraid of.

Anyway, this may not sound great, but I'm proud. I need to go unpack groceries. Goodbye for now, yall :)

2003-03-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

i heart aimee mann :)

2003-03-17T21:08:00.000-05:00

I stumbled across KT's blog the other day. I was searching Almeda's site, and the link just happened to be somewhere. I really enjoy reading it. however my visitors already know about it, but I wanted to give KT kudos. I find her quite funny and very smart, and she is pretty despite what people say :)

2003-03-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

I had a good weekend. Lots of fun stuff happen. Not much more to say about that.

I took the bus today, little did i know there was a bus stop not too far from my house. My bus buddy is Will Whitney. To welcome me, he gave me a red gobstopper, 3 dead batteries, a ripped piece of paper and a swig of his coffee sweetened with chocolate syrup. It was scrumptious.

School was boring, but the highlight was seeing my chem teacher freak out! He was trying to set up an example, and couldn't find what he wanted and started slamming cabinet doors, everyone freaked. He seems like such a nice man sometimes. I think he's going through a dryspell at home, if you know what I mean.

I kinda walked home with Tommy Boy Wingert today. We split at charles street. We had a nice conversation. About how slow I am when it comes to knowing about people's relationships. For example, I didn't know Tom and Krysta were going out until Saturday, I didn't know Sage dated KT or Olga. And a whole shitload of other people. I didn't know Rocco had a girlfriend or that Lauren Standiford and her ex-beau Dave broke up. But now he wants to date my sister.

Anyway, I'm very tired right now, and my eye is red. It doesn't itch and its not pussy, but allergy season is starting up again. Oh. goodie.

I can't think of anything else to say except that Mr. Bush needs to make up his mind...i think.

Gotta go make my Gary Numan poster. My Cyndi Lauper one turned out really, really hott!! Toodles :D

2003-03-14T21:46:00.000-05:00

i <3 the rolling stones.

i'm sorry i've used my blog to complain about how much I hate myself. But you know, it's the only place i can do it.

My Ramen nooldles are mushy and my feet are a little smelly.

Good night :)

2003-03-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

You know, I said i was going to say something and blog and go on and on about what Ryan said about life on his blog. But I realized I just can't. It'd be so hard for me to come up with something. I can't comprehend what he said. It's just too hard. My brain doesn't work on taht level most of the time. Does that make sense.

Because of this, people like ryan, sage, hannah, neil, almeda, and KT, who write/comment on that blog, intimidate me. I want the intelligence they have. I don't know what kind of intelligence i have. My sister is another person who's intelligence intimidates me. My mother has said herself that out of the three of us (me and my two sisters, Noel and Gretta) Noel IS the smartest. She meant this nicely (WTF??) and she meant that Noel just had a quick acting mind. And I just have to laugh because Noel's got an E in bio, F in health, and C's in English, History, and Math. But anyway. She's right, Noel's got a mind like a whip, and I'm just slow compared to other people.

Someone will say something, and it'll take me a while to get. I am put in this situation sooo much, and I remind myself of Amelia Bedeilia. Do you guys remember those books from like first grade?? It was about that maid woman who took everything in the literal sense. That's me. There are so many thing that can mean something different, and if I answer it in a different way, people get so annoyed with me, or just frustrated, and that makes me frustrated with MYSELF. That's why I get so bitter sometimes when I'm talking to you Sage, you ask me something, I don't answer it right, you seem to get annoyed so I get angry with you or whatever. I mean you dont know I'm angry with you, but I am because it's seems like no one understands how my brain works. And I wish they did. Hell, I wish I did sometimes.

Does any of this make sense?!? Do you notice my frustration with myself??

I think I need to take up painting. Yeah, I'm going to buy large canvases and lots and lots of pain with all my money, because I've got a gut feeling I'm not going to Rowe. However, I'll wait to see, because I'm not going to use my money, and then find out I can go, but can't because I'm poor.

I want to be the next Jackson Pollock. Minus the alcoholism and drepression and stuff.

I think I've got artistic intelligence. I'm being lofty. Whatever. I want paint crazy stuff like him. He was a brilliant, brilliant man. His wife wasn't that bad of a painter either.

2003-03-14T20:51:00.000-05:00

I had the most interesting conversation with Erin Fitz during chem today. Well, this is how it began. Rachel started a hate club that lasted for five minutes that i joined. Cathy Ashlock was like, "Melissa, you hate Erin." I was like "Que??" Evidently if you were a part of Rachel's hate club you hated left handed people. That's why I quit. And Rachel couldn't run her club with 1 member. (Note: For Rachel, hate means love. She always says she hates everything and everyone. But we all know she loves them!!)

Anyway, I turned around to my chair snatching friend and said "I don't hate you Erin" Anyway to explain chair snatching, she likes to pull my seat out from under me before I go to sit. It scares the ba-Jesus outta me! Anyway, I told her that left-handed ness is a mental retardation. She was a little offended, but then I told her it's a proven fact. She didn't believe me, but I said everyone has mental retardation. It doesn't have to be obvious or real drastic, but everyone has at least one. One of mine is that I have a right eye strabismus. When I read, my eye turns inward. It's not that obvious, but when I'm tired you can see. That's what my mom tells me. Another example, my sister is both right and left dominate in her legs. We know this because she can do cartwheels and other things, on both legs perfectly. Anything that is left dominated (foot, leg, hand, arm, ear, eye, etc.) showsweak dominance and an underdevelopment in the brain. 9 out of 10 people are right handed. So just goes to show you!! Heh heh. It was very interesting. Try and find your brain injury. It's FUN!!!

2003-03-12T17:29:00.000-05:00

"Eep opp orp ah ah!!" that means "i love you!!"

2003-03-12T17:28:00.000-05:00

Eww my name is Tuesday's post and I decide not to show up!!!! %$##$^%& Anyway, I've decided to finally do something about my father problems and I've got what I want to say all written up. I put it on a crappy looking web page for those visiting this blog to read. if you have any suggestions to change it in any way, they are appreciated. thanks, here's the link to the letter, dad's letter

2003-03-10T00:07:00.000-05:00

I'm really wanting to go to bed right now, but I just don't feel like sleeping, I think I'm going to post a random Rachel Looney quote:

"Oh my gosh I hate little kids. You know, I TRY to go sledding and I'm going down the hill, I just wanna run then over! I'm like 'GET OUT OF THE WAY!!!' and they're all like, 'LET'S MAKE SNOWANGELS!!!' "

Wow, that was so much fun, I'm going to post a qute by my Chem teacher, Mr. Williams. Okay so this kid threw away his cigarette carton in the trashcan, and Mr. Williams didn't see (luckily). A few minutes later these words were said.

Male Student: Oh what, you walking by me to smell me to see if I was smoking or something??
Mr. W: Oh no, don't worry, the LAST thing I'd do is smell my students

OO wait, one more-

Male Student #1: Hey Mr. Williams! Where's your lab coat?
Male Student #2: Yeah where is it? You look cute in it.

2003-03-09T23:52:00.000-05:00

It's 11:29. Little do people know, I've gotta a seperate account for when I don't feel like talking through IM. It's the most impersonal way to talk to someone I think. So no one will ever know it. muaha. Anyway, this weekend I saw quite a few movies. These movies include, I Am Sam, Cecil B. Demented, Boys Don't Cry, and Pollock. I thought I Am Sam was absolutely amazing! I loved the story and Sean Penn was phenomenal. But he's a shady character in real life. Cecil B. Demented was fucking funny!! Oh my gosh. Guerilla warfare against innocent Baltimore-ians to make a movie is the best way to make a movie. That sounds horrible, but see the movie. Boys Don't Cry was another exceptional movie. I like those dark movies that take place in little cities. And it deals with such a strong topic. Homosexuality. It's really sad though, but excellent. Pollock however, was alright. I usually like movies based on the lives of troubled artists/writers/musicians etc. but this was wasn't the greatest. I mean Jackson Pollock was a phenomenal painter, oh my gosh, his work is amazing, but I think they could've done a better job with portraying his life. I don't know what it was that made the movie fair, but it just did.

Anyway, Shannon's party was fun. It was great to see Sage and Sly dancing. It was so funny, I wish I could be that confident with myself. And Shannon loved the peanut butter and oreos in the christmas gift bag I got her. But I was surprised more kids didn't come. I was expecting some other people to be there, but I guess they couldn't. Anyway, Chad made me try his cheese cake he got. It was absolutely the most disgusting thing I've ever tasted. The cream cheese must've gone bad, because it tasted like garlic cheese cake :P

Lol, you know what I just did? I accidently did this :{P instead of this :P. That first smiley loks like a Spanish bullfighter or like a nice Yosemite Sam.

Anyway, tonight, Noel's friend Kevin came over tonight. We decided to crack open the "groovy" coconut we got on Saturday. So we did. Martha Stewart taught me how to drain it. So I did. You've gotta hammer holes in it. Let me tell you, without the sugar, coconut tastes awful, I mean the liquid especially. Anyway, to cut it open, we took it down to the basement and took a really large saw and sawed it in half. Noel and I are going to take the halves in and follow people around like the little tenant guy in Monty Python: Quest for the Holy Grail

But then we went outside and we drew with green and red ketchup, and honey roasted garlic barbeque sauce. Noel and kevin wrote they were sluts, and I wrote, "I <3 Anarky" (don't worry, it's meant to be spelled wrong) and "Seabasses <3 Poopie" because they do. I also put some green ketchup in the snow. That green ketchup really stains your sidewalk too. It stays there for a good 10 days or so.

Wow, absolutely boring crap!! Gotta go, love you all bye :)

2003-03-07T17:52:00.000-05:00

i spelled beret wrong, it's that, "Raspberry BERET". excuse my french

2003-03-07T17:48:00.000-05:00

I shouldn't have said that John smelled. that was mean of me, i'm sorry john, if you ever happen to stumble over this. But I don't think you ever will, but just to make sure. Anyway...

Wow this gun thing at school is crazy go nuts!!!!! It was really strange how this all came up, because I swear, it was like a week ago, and I had a dream that there was a school shooting at school. It was a scary dream, too. And this all happens, ugh. It's like whoa. And I would've never thought it could happen in our school, becuase we're not a school who's relaly had to deal with something like this before. However, the Columbine people probably weren't expecting something like that to happen to them. But anyway, I really would like to know why a person turns to such violence over an argument. Because I can't understand why. But then again, I'm not (usually) a very violent person, and don't have arguments much because I'm flexible like that.

But moving right along (because i really can't think of anything else to say about that), hmm, oh!!
Well, I was supposed to go to the dentist yesterday. Did I?? No. You want to know why?? Because my sister went to find me at the Art Fair, and didn't bother looking in the MAIN LOBBY for me!! I was sitting there, waiting and waiting, and I saw them drive by, so I ran out of the building and started to run for the car! Where I almost slipped and hit my head on the ice from jumping up and down like a maniac trying to get their attention!! My family's got mis-communication problems :P But it was good because we got to go out to dinner at the Little Marakesh . My mom was a su chef there. We only got to see Nadia (the head chef). No Momen, no Terry, no Tamarra, no Ishbob, or Ishbob Jr. :( I was quite upset, because the Marakesh people are our family. They're crazy Morrocans though, let me tell ya!! Momen and Nadia have been married for like a year, and Momen's mother doesn't know. Only because she HATES Nadia. But Momen's mother is crazy anyway.

But Tamarra. Yeah, she's an awesome character. Archeologist @ Penn by day, belly dancer by night! It's nuts, and once a month they have like this belly dancing festival and ALL the belly dancers are from Penn. It's great. Anyway, I think I'm going to take up belly dancing, then belly dance at the Marakesh. Tamarra teaches it, and I'm sure I could take one of her classes. My mom was like, "Melissa, I really can't see you belly dancing for people, and having them stuff money in your waistband and bra strap." I laughed, because I think it'd be oodles of fun.

Noel and I decided we were going to take our guy friends to the belly dancing festival, then stay for the seven course meal!! Yeah, she's going to invite Pat Garcia, Jason Nicholates, Hassan Shalla, and Kevin Brooks. Evidently they eat. A LOT. I think I'm going to invite Sage, Chad, and Ryan, and someone else. Who, I don't know. Maybe Shayna. Yeah, it'd be sooooo much fun!! Whoa, well, that's all for now. But before I go.....

Must downloads:
1) 12 Deadly Cyns (entire album!!!) - Cyndi Lauper
2) "Gary Numan" - Cars
3) "Fast Car" - Tracy Chapman
4) "Little Red Corvette" and "Raspberry Bouret" - Prince

Crazy 80's songs sock my rocks babaaay!!!!

2003-03-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in English class. We've gotta find songs about cars. We were assigned the 80's. By far, one of the best decades ever. But not as good as the 60's I must say. But anyway. I SOOOOO want to dress up as Cyndi Lauper to present her song "I Drove All Night" I've gotta analyze it. In 500 words. Let's see who's doing what. Well it'd be boring for me to divulge on what people are doing because everyone is at their computers and are complete zombies, looking for vintage car advertisments, car songs, etc. etc. etc. But John "Boots" McMurray found a satellite picture of the high school. I wanted to find my house. but he started to smell, but i'm going to search for it again. bye.

2003-03-02T09:11:00.000-05:00

oh my gosh, the news was like, "now today, is the opening of the Philadelphia Show, and blah blah blah, and there was a little "Body Found" icon in the right corner, and it had the little chalk drawing and everything, I live for mistakes on the news. One of my favorites was "In South Philadelphia, a large apartment fire occured at about 3:45 this morning, unfourtunately, no one was hurt." - Anita Brikman Anyway...

2003-03-02T08:58:00.000-05:00

I've heard two interesting things on the news today. 1) They may stop the import of French wines because the French will not support the USA and their war on Iraq. 2) They may repeal the "No bibles in school" law.

I think the French wine thing is just stupid. Good for the French not supporting us! If I was a middle-aged, bald, French politician, I wouldn't support the US either. And of course, stopping French wine imports will only do this: 1) The French will stop American imports, which is not good for us. 2) It still won't make the French support us. 3) Make restaurant owners really, really angry!!! (I know at the Inn, half of our wines/champagnes were French. Who knows what it's like at other restaurants. I can just see Jack Ott pulling out his hair over this, poor guy.)

The bible thing I'm not too concerned about. First of all, I'm not Catholic/Christian/Lutheran etc. etc. etc. I could care less. And yes I know that there are people who feel strongly about this. But I think it'd be an interesting thing to be in school. Of course a lot of teachers/students won't have any of that, but I can't tell you how many English teachers have said, if they could teach any book in school, it'd be the Bible, and that's for the actual literature and language, and yes I agree with that, I think that'd be interesting. But people, unfourtunately, would get this confused, feeling they were being preached to. Do you see what I'm saying? So I think if the Bible were used for that, and for someone's self expression that's fine, then I'd let it be in school. But there are some things that are said in the bible about certain topics (homosexuality, sex, etc.) that people will take extreme offense to because these topis are everyday thing, that people are slowly learning to live with. Therefore, for other people's sake, the bible shouldn't be taught in school. I relaly wish I could give some examples, or post some readings from the bible but, for one, I don't have one handy, and secondly, I've only ever looked in the bible once.

So yes, that's just some of my few thoughts for the day, farewell for now.

2003-03-01T19:17:00.000-05:00

Hmm, hey there person(s). Not much has happened today. Yes, today was a nice quiet day, that is, until my little red friend stopped by. Why is it I'm never ready for her visit?? Anyway, you guy(s) don't wanna know about that. My mom went food shopping, I got really pissed because the creamer she bought for coffee was soy, which destroys the coffee's beautiful and bold taste. I got so pissed that I threw a box of sugar packets.

That event made me think of how Alli Bad Ass Berry told Amay that I serious anger problems when I was a little punk ass elementary school child. And I did. I was a little punk ass.

I can't keep my cool sometimes. The people who live with me know that. But that's because I need a good fight sometimes. Whether it's verbal or physical, I don't care, but when I haven't had one for a while, it all comes out over the stupidest little things. But I'm usually pretty cool, and well behaved.

Anyway, last night was the best Friday I've had in a while. Sage came over. WE "watched" RHPS. He didn't like it evidently because it was really freaky. Then again, he missed a lot because...well...you get the picture. But moving right along, last night was amazing. I felt beautiful. Sage brings that out of me. I really hate the way I look, and it's rare that I feel that good about myself. But I don't know, Sage knows how to make me feel great about myself.

Which reminds me of what I did Wednesday. I went to the eating disorder/body image lecture thing they had. I showed up and I turned out to be the only one there. So I talked to the psychiatrist that came, and two school counselors, including mine, Ms. Jackson. It was a nice experience. Yes, I've talked to a few people about my insecurities with body image and the bulemia i had, but I don't know, this was different. I told them things I've never told people. At one point they asked me who I had to talk to when I was going through it and I told them no one. I was around people who didn't understand what I was going through and why I had gained all the weight. And they didn't, my friends were all beautiful, skinny, and in great shape, while I lagged behind greatly. Not to mention my mother, who, at my age was 5'10'' and no more than 120 lbs. Even now I'm not 120. I think I'm 135. And I'm 5'3".

It's not like I didn't try talking to my mother, but she didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. That's because she was always happy with the way she looked. She was tall and skinny. Why wouldn't she. But anyway, I went on to tell them how I had a sister who was a model. They just laughed and said I must have the worst time dealing with my image. But Ms. Jackson said she was really prous with how I try to deal with it, even though it may seem impossible. That made me feel great :D I wish some people I knew would've come with me!! Even though it was an amazing experience, I felt very ackward, and I would've been even more comfortable if someone other people were there.

Well folk(s), tonight I was supposed to go the King and I and chillax backstage, but no, noel went out tonight. But that's okay, I realized she hasn't seen her friends for a while because of her strep. So, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Although, it'd be great to go to the cast party. I wish I could, because my play friends are off the heezy. And with the people who are on cast, it'd be an awesome party. Well to those going, I just hope they have fun.

2003-02-27T17:18:00.000-05:00

Well folks, snow possibly. I don't think it'll come, but whatever. Anyway, I've gotta draw my foot as if it were submerged in water. I'm not up to doing it, but it's due tomorrow X-P

I've handed in my requested courses for next year, and I want to change a lot of stuff. I originally signed up for: Eng III - Honors
Physics
Precalculus I
American Studies I - CP
Orch I (3 periods)
Art II/Art History Major
Chef's Workshop
Digital Filmaking
Photography

Well, I'm not sure if I want to take honors english next year. I really didn't get what I wanted out of it. I just got more work to do, which got me a little stressed out, not to mention, English isn't something I like all that much and I don't to plan to be a English teacher, professor, etc. etc. etc.

I also want to take off Digital Filmaking and Photography. Although I'd LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to take these, I also want to have lunch next year, I don't know what I'd do without my lunch. I MIGHT HAVE TO DO MY HOMEWORK AT HOME!!!!!!!!!! EEEK!! ::shudders at the mere thought of it::

Finally, the big doozie, I want to stop taking Orchestra. I don't think I could handle 3 periods. Do you know what my grade was for The New World Symphony?? 84 percent. An 84. I've never gotten anything below an A and that just was a smack in the face. And I've gotta play the fourth movement of this piece next week, and it's 10x's harder than the first movement. Any talent that I had for playing the violin has gone down the drain. Not to mention, 6 years ago, did I want to play the violin. No, the stupid idiots at the Institutes took my cello away forever and threw a violin in my arms. I hate the violin. My plan was to play cello, then in fifth grade I was going to play bass. The bass. I love the bass. But no, I was forced into playing it, and now, I can't keep up with my class. Little do people know, I have an extremely hard time with reading notes. When it comes to reading notes, I'm dyslexic. I switch them around all the time, and my brain can't tell my fingers and arm to move fast enough to play the notes. I never told anyone I had this problem, so when I had a violin teacher who couldn't understand this, and was yelling in your ear to get it right, I lost any liking I had for the instrument. That is why I wanted to play the bass. It's so much easier to read the notes because the part is easier to play. Sigh. And I really don't think Mrs. Voigt likes me anymore. I can feel the dissapointment, and she's hostile towards me now. Whenever she talks to me, it's in a negative, monotonus voice, and usually it's not anything good. I'm not sure if I want to stay with it for the rest of the year because these feeling have been floating in my head all year.

So yeah, there's a lot going on in my head towards what I want to do for next year. So if I don't do orchestra next year, I'll see what class I can put there in place of it. Ergh. So that's bad and...

Today, while sitting at my computer, in my computer chair for 5 year olds, I leaned back and the chair broke off. I hit my head, elbow, and leg really hard, and they hurted. But now, I have no chiar for my computer. But I'm keeping the seat part, because I can sit in it, and lean back without killing myself, because I'm a hardcore chair-leanerbacker. Well, tooda loo mis amigos!!

2003-02-24T21:08:00.000-05:00

Hi there. It's not often that I'm proud of what I write, actually now that I think about it, it IS the first thing I've been proud of. I had my mom read it, because i wasn't sure if the sentence structure was right. She cried after I wrote it. When someone cries and says it's moved them, you know, it's gotta be good. Anyway, what I wrote was a short paragraph about my friend Spencer and a story I made up based on his cocaine addiction. See the assignment was that we had to take a passage from Great Gatsby and try to follow the sentence structure and stly etc. but using and topic we wanted. So yeah I present my paragraph!

As I sit here, dwelling on my old, mysterious friend, I think of Spencer's addiction and when he first picked out the bagged powder and the beginning of Miro's party. He had snorted long lines to get to his dark salvation and his death never seemed so close to him but he could hardly hold onto life. He did not know that the end was already starting to run for him, somewhere in that second hit lying before his mutilated nose, where the pale cocaine of the night crawled menacingly into his brain.

Yeah, a little morbid, but I really like it. Hmm, yeah that's all for now bye :)

2003-02-23T14:30:00.000-05:00

Just watched The Vagina Monologues. I luffed it!!!!!!!!!!!! I've found a new appreciaton for my vagina :) Good day folks.

2003-02-22T20:48:00.000-05:00

hmm, i was being really bitchy when i posted yesterday. i don't think i meant to say that it disgusted me, but maybe...hmm...well, it was a thought that crossed my mind. so sue me i was sick yesterday and not the easiest person to approach, and i was pertty damn angry with noel who kept bugging me to kick my sick ass out of my room so she could go on my computer for three hours so i could crash on the couch and die. hmm, i'm checking my calendar and....oh! what's this?.......i AM PMS-ing this week!! HAHA!! Oh my gosh I freaked at Gretta today she was really bugging me so I threw a bag of pasta at her. It went all over but it was fun to throw. It makes me want to pelt more orzo noodles at her. I suggest throwing dry pasta at those driving you nuts.

Anyway, me and Noel made the most amazing game today!! Okay, well, you see in my living room, we've got this old fireplace. We don't use it because our house can be engulfed in flames because the build up of the last 111 years is so bad it can't be cleaned anymore. WHOA. I'm getting off subject. Anyway. So we were playing this game, and you'd get points for throwing pieces of cereal in these targets. Let me break it down for you...

> 1 pt BONUS - Tupperware lid
> 2 pts BONUS - Cobwebs
> 2 pts BONUS - If all the numbers were the same. Now that I'm think of it, it'd also cuase an automatic 13 pt bonus (see below)
> 4 pts - Roll of Tape
> 5 pts - Fireplace
> 8 pts - Bouncing the cereal off the floor into the fireplace
> 10 pts - Boot closest to you
> 11 pts - Boot farthest from you
> 13 pts BONUS - If the numbers in your score were the same backwards and forwards
> 15 pts BONUS - If the cereal bounced off the floor into the closest boot
> 16 pts WHORE BONUS - You had to hit the RHPS whore a.k.a. Janet Weiss (Also known as award winning actress, Susan Sarandon. Her character Janet Weiss sleeps with quite a few Transexual, Transylvanian men :-O Oh my my my!! )
> 17 pts BONUS - If the cereal bounced off the floor into the farthest boot
> 20 pts - Tea Kettle Spout
> 20 pts RIFF RAFF BONUS - You had to hit him on the screen
> 50 pt BONUS - Hitting Gretta (She was bugging us, and Noel and I like to flip out at her for no reason sometimes. tee hee hee)
> THE BIG DOOZY: (DOES NOT TAKE EFFECT UNTIL THE GAME IS OVER) 400 PTS BONUS!!! - Okay see this is how it works, Noel's final score was an even 600, not 601, not 657. Therefore her number did not have to be rounded off to the nearest tenth. So she got four hundred pt bonus, making her score 1000. But she did not have to round again, so it keeps going and going. So if you are the lucky game player with a score like that., your score automatically becomes infinity because the points just keep going.

This game ends when all the cereal in your bowl is gone.

This is how I spend my weekend, heh heh. Ermmm, what else?? Hmm, I've got my African American scientist project to do, but I'm not worried about it, I'll do it tomorrow. Well, so long for now folks :D

::reminds self to make an official rule book for new game::

THIS POST WILL POST!! ::makes magical "do do do" sounds::

2003-02-22T18:41:00.000-05:00

dont become obsessed with your body image. it's not a good place to be.

2003-02-21T17:05:00.000-05:00

You know what really disgusts me?? How people are more concerned about the recent status of Michael Jackson, then the current status of pending war and Iraq etc. I've never seen people talk about a person who is just one person, an entertainer for that matter, when our country is being faced with terrorist attacks and is being threaten by quite of few powerful (i guess) political figures overseas. oh well. just my random thought for today

2003-02-19T19:42:00.000-05:00

stupid cracknut whore posts that don't show up!!

2003-02-19T17:17:00.000-05:00

Hmmm, too much snow, too much snow. When walking to school today, I did my best to avoid stepping in any, but I fell in some and my feet were soaked and freezing. But that's besides the point. Anyway, nothing is going on in my life that I haven't discussed. Yeah, life's boring right now. I need to make another randsom note for the sailor. And whit and I need to get going with our randsom video. We've got great ideas, and a video camera!! YAY!! Anyway, hmm, I'm really really really tired. I got to bed by 10:00 last night and I fell asleep pretty quick. Then I woke up at 3:17, and I thought i had to get up to get ready, because i thought it said something else. So I got all ready to take my shower, and i went in my room to grab my shampoo, and i did a double take and the clock said 3:25. So grumpily i went back to bed, and i didn't get to sleep again until 4:30. But oh well, silly old biological clock. I need to take it to a clock fixer person. Anyway, today was a good day. I got to see Sage finally after being snowed in. And today I walked HIM to orch. Now I know what he means when he says he hates to leave me. Because i really really really didn't want to after we kissed today, because it seems like we haven't kissed like that for a while. ERH!!!!!! I've gotta see him!!! Well, i think that's it for now. i'll change the mood later. Bye 'all!!

2003-02-16T14:49:00.000-05:00

Nothing to say for today. Have a happy snow day :)

2003-02-15T21:53:00.000-05:00

Hmm, today I was talking to Shayna, mi amiga, and we started to reminisce about our ETI days. Sage suggested I blog about it. We were some crazy kids let me tell ya!! It's going to be long, but worth reading i think. So I'll go by year...But first...

CAST AND THEIR NICKNAMES W/ BRIEF DESCRIPTION-
Melissa: Double Digit Midget, The Human Armrest, Meliss, Melinda, Mango Hashbrown. Moi.
NOeL: Christmas. Also know as my sister.
Spencer: Spence, Snooks, Snooky, Snook-a-sarus. My totally sexist, rascist best friend. But now he's bi, and a lot cooler with the people around him.
Elliott (he had a lot of nicknames): El-el-iot-t Cum-umings, Ellio with a double T, Teliot, Toilet (Teliot backwards, that nickname made Elliott cry), therefore, Cry Baby, Baby, and I'm sure there were more. PLENTY more.
Shayna: She didn't really have any nicknames. But we did assign each other food names. I can only remember mine (see above).
Kazuki: 'Zuki, Gomibako san (he freaking ate like a cow, he could eat an entire apple, stick and all in 30 seconds, therefore the name, which means Mr. Trashcan in Japanese.), that's all.
Chenee: Cha nay-nay, Nay Nay. She was only there the first two years I was.
Tamara: Tam. She was there as long as Chenee. They were sisters along with,
Janelle: Nelle. Tam's twin sister.
Kelsey and Erin: No nicknames. Only there my first year. Sisters. Kelsey was my best friend.
Marlowe: REALLY tall kid. He was 6'6'' by the time he was 13. Spencer's older brother. Graduated after my first year.
Ben: Benjamino, Benji. Kid I was in love with. Graduated after my first year, but stuck around for the plays afterwards.
Noel: WEIRDO. This kid was strange. Left after my first year.
Joelle: No nickname. Everyone hated her. She was obsessed with Star Wars.
Joshua Solis: PLEASE!! Don't. get. me. started.

Well, that's it for the cast, on with the show.

Year 1-
- Elliott leaves door open to bathroom on Melissa's first day at ETI. Traumatizing experience.
- Joelle creates MIB club. Major fiasco.
- Joelle also claims the actor that played Luke Skywalker was her long lost brother, although she was 10 years old and an adopted Korean girl.
- NOeL locks Kelsey outside our school naked in front of a crowd of people.
- Ben gets an eyeful when he sees Tamara without a shirt on.
- Marlowe, Tam, Nelle, Ben, Noel, Erin and Toilet make ridiculous film where Marlowe's arthritis loses control, and he draws hot pink lipstick on his face, and Ben loses his head...quite literally.
- Spencer prank calls phone sex lines.
- Spencer prank calls 911 and the police come to school. Spencer gets in big trouble with ETI director and dean.
- Spencer, Shayna, and Melissa take a 20 minute joy ride on school elevator. Get in major trouble.
- Melissa and Noel miss a concert rehearsal because they are busy drawing stupid pictures of each other on the computer. We get a long talking to.
- A table folds during Math class and we use it as a slide. Our teacher, Richard, had no control over us.
- Instead of doing our Physics experiment, the entire class tapes tape over our mouths and run through the school like crazy people.
- Me, NOeL, Spencer, Toilet, Shayna dance the YMCA and the Macarena on the desks in Math class. Daily ritual.
- The entire female half of the student body go on a wild excursion on the school campus. Tamara pees in the woods.
- Melissa gets blue glitter hair gel all over her costume for the school play...2 seconds before going on stage.
- We almost burn down the school when conducting lab experiments.
- Noel sticks flashlights in his shirt and he looked like he had boobs with lights on the ends.
- There was a short obsession with disco.
- Students have obsessions with singing original scores like "Kiiill the people of the world, Hurrah, Hurrah!!" (It's really not appropriate now, considering currnet events), yelling "CUT OFF HIS HEAD, BAAAARUUUUUM!!", and exclaiming things said in Oregon Trail like "Spencer dies of snake bite, Ba ba bummm."

Year Two - (Only Melissa, Spencer, Shayna, NOeL, and Toilet remain. Kazuki and Joshua join the picture)
- THE DANCE THAT HAS GONE DOWN IN ETI HISTORY IS CREATED That dance you ask? The HOEDOWN!!! (Where you kick out your legs, move your arms up and down, squint your eyes, stick out your front teeth and sing, "Hoedown!! Hoedown!! Gotta gooooooooo..... and have a hoedown!!!! Gotta goooooooo and have a Starino.......Pappapino!!")
- The Hoedown gets banned from school because it was the only thing we do. We only do it more.
- The Hoedown is reversed and the HOEUP is created. (Kick your legs inwards, raise the roof, open your eyes as wide as you can, stick out your bottom teeth and sing, "Hoeup!! Hoeup!! Gotta gooooooooo..... and have a hoeup!!!! Gotta goooooooo and have a Starino.......Pappapino!!"
- Kazuki is teased because at this point he only knew 2 words of English. So whenever he didn't understand something, he'd go, "HAAAAA??!?!?!"
- While taking the SATs (Standford Achievement Tests) Student body commited crimes when after testing jumped and went crazy after test taking while others were still taking it, let me remind you. Do you really think we sat in our desks quitely until time was up?
- When told she only had 2 minutes to finish the Math section of her SAT, Shayna exclaims, "Oh SHIT!!!!" realizing she still had half a section to go. Math teacher just sits back and laughs.
- SChool director puts hand over her head where Melissa and Shayna see BROWN pit stains in her shirt. M and S look at Math teacher, who just shakes his head as if he were saying, "Just forget about it. It never happened."
- Melissa and Shayna make a spaceship out of a computer piece. Fly it to Saturn. Then they go to Pluto.
- Flashlight tag is officially started at Shakespeare rehearsals.
- Spencer puts a hold in the ceiling of the Art room when conducting a Chem experiment.
- Melissa and Spencer make dribble cups when setting up for a party for the school staff.
- Melissa and Shayna run down the hall with their skirts up. Run into our Math teacher who went out looking for us.
- Chip, the computer teacher, accuses Elliott of eating his Logo book.
- Chip also creates Kazuki's Computer Hut. Basically, the sun was getting in 'Zuki's eyes, and he put a poster board over his computer moniter.
- Spencer chases NOeL down the hallway with toilet paper wrapped around his head and body. Run into ETI director and get in mucho trouble.
- WAR OF THE RUBBER BANDS '99 occurs. We break the school vacuum cleaner when it eats one stray rubber band.
- Boys march into girls dressing room at "Taming of the Shrew" No one is decent.
- Spencer's habit of leaning back in his chair gets back at him after he falls backward 3 times in the same class.
- Entire student body hold up classes for 20 minutes when they aren't supplied with the new broken chairs they loved. They go over entire school to find a "organomically correct chair."
- Spencer and Elloitt's obsession with drawing of genitalia starts. They draw on school property and books. Doesn't stop until Melissa's last year there.
- Spencer and Elliott throw wads of wet toilet paper size of basketballs on school ceilings. Suprisingly, they stick.
- Students drill holes in art boards. All get in trouble, except Melissa, who runs away just in time.
- By the end of the year, The Hoedown got violent. Spencer and Elliott create the Hoedowner Civilization. Basically after having sex with the female hoedowners, they were killed, and they males became gay.
- Elliott shows Melissa his penis through the hole in his pants pocket. Melissa gets scarred for life.
- Elliott explains to our Math class how he cleans his genitalia, being that he's not circumsized.
- Melissa hides ETI director's lesson and lecture plans. Throws them down an abandoned stair well, where they're never seen again.
- Lunch room court begins. NOeL suprisingly wins the Darti case of 1999 thanx to Nelle's incredible lawyer-esque skills.
- Melissa is accused of startinga riot in NYC and bombing the Empire STate building and is taken to lunchroom court, where she is faced with being shot by a firing squad.
- Student body becomes obsessed with Pokemon. It's all they can talk about. Make all the teachers into Pokemon. (For example, the schools director, who's quite a heavy set lady, was given Earthquake Attack.) This obsession is gone by Year 3. WEll, for the girls at least.
- Spencer, Elliott, and NOeL shoot rubber bands out school windows, aiming for people below and shoot them in trees. Are sent to retrieve them when caught and they collect about 400. (Yeah one day, someone ordered too many rubber bands for the school. We had two mop buckets full of them. You could imagine the agony we put teahcers through).

Year 3-
- NOeL is kicked out of ETI for a extremely offensive letter writtedn to school Board of Directors.
- Joshua Solis leaves after being accused of being teased for the entire two years he was there. (What, all we did was talk about how much of an idiot he was, hit him, and when talking like him, talked with a rela dumb voice.)
- It's up to Melissa, Spencer, Shayna, Elliott, and Kazuki to keep ETI alive.
- Kazuki amazes ETI with his eating skills. At one party, he ate 7 plate fulls of food. He's got 5 stomachs like cows.
- At lunch, students cheer on Kazuki when setting record for fastest apple eating time. They bang fists on the table and scream profusely. Embarrass ETI in front of over 100 people and in front of News Broadcasting veteran (and my Poli Sci teacher), Dr. Donald Barnhouse.
- Hoedown still flourishes and is taught to the younger half of the student body.
- Melissa chokes on Almonds when running up the stairs too fast after a 20 second costume change (quite scary, if i do say so myself)
- Melissa falls off rolly chair.
- Spencer goes down a very large hill on a office chair, races a guy on a lawn mower, hits a speed bump and flys into a large, green dumpster.
- Student Body breaks into employee offices and steals all their candy. Except for 'Zuki who doesn't eat sugar, fatty acids, etc. etc. He's a very strict eater, but you'd have to know him. We teased him because of it all the time.
- I think all of our bad habits from Year 2 kept going through Year 3.
- Spencer is dared to strip on the Hevener's balcony, and throw his clothes to the ground.
- Stories are written by Spencer about the student bady and how they got married, then cheated on each other, then were sent into war, where the male race faced the female race. But Spencer was the leader of the female race, who won the war. Spencer reports in the story, that Elliott dies, and plays "Ode to Joy" on the keyboard. Makes Elliott cry like a little baby.
-Elliott's mother forces him the take Beano at lunch because of his awful gas that he'd let out at least every 2 minutes. Our school permanently stunk.
- When Noel and ETI alumni come visit, on the camping trip, a deer skeleton is found. Noel picks of vertebrae and plays Star Wars with them.
- Marlowe says line, no one will ever forget, "Oh Kathy come on, I think boys and girls can sleep in the same room. Trust me, there won't be any hanky panky."
- When student bosy and the alumni are at a swim party, Noel creates a dive called, "The Suicidal Squirrel" Which is when you jump off the board, grab your ankles and go as if you're going to belly flow, but flip out of it right before hitting the water.

Year 4 (Melissa's graduating year)-
- Melissa, Spencer, Shayna, and Toilet hide under a platform for the school's Macbeth production. Toilet farts, and the four of them can't breathe because of the stench, but Kazuki (who was supposed to let them out but didn't) pointed and laughed as the four tried toget out, tipping over the standing platform and almost breaking the 100,000 dollar sound system for the auditorium they were in.
- Hoedown is still going on, but Spencer and Elliott do it the most.
- "Freak" and "Geek" are created. Elliott, who played Geek, was a mad scientist, trying to bring back Mozart and trying to take over the world. Spencer, playing the role of Freak was Geek's laboratory assistant with ADD and was obsessed with "SHINY LIGHTS."
- Gym teacher abandons her class after being driven nuts by the student body. (we kept doing th hoedown and didn't listen to her.)
- Melissa gets Spencer in trouble when school director has the boys take down heavy equipment to the auditorium. (I offered to help, but she insisted the boys do it, even though I could have done it. But why Spencer got in trouble was because of this, "Melissa, just get it straight, it's just like war. The men are sent to do the hard work and fighting, while the women sit at home sewing American flags and slaving over the stove."
- Spencer, Elliott, Kazuki, and Shayna start a violin quartet named SEKS (Spencer, Elliott, Kazuki, Shayna). Had desires to play in restaurants and at weddings.
- Student body take wild excursions through woods being the crazy hoedowners we were, and scaring away wild life.

Well, that took me a really really realy long time, but I can't tell you how great it was. I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Years 3 and 4 don't seem as great as the first two, but that's just because we continued our crazy genitalia drawing, vandalization, and hoedowning, oh and jumping on the desks at school in the middle of class. Trust me, there's plenty more, but these were just major highlights. So, now you know what kind of school I went to. I can't believe you've made it this far. You deserve a purple heart or something.

2003-02-15T10:42:00.000-05:00

Lizzie Maguire is a fun show. I never realized that. Matt and his silent friend Lenny are absolutely hilarious!! Anyway, enough of my immaturity.

Things on my mind recently (besides Sage)-
-- I miss "The Scottish Play" rehearsals. I miss the people. They were good friends, now we've kind of lost touch. I thought of this when Gabe and Ash came in for the telelgram. I miss those guys. I miss EVERYONE!!
-- I want it to snow a lot so I don' have to go to school Tuesday.
-- CHICAGO!! But hopefully Rach and I will go see that Monday.
-- Hey there folks! No one blogs on it anymore. It's dying.
-- I'm running out of deoderant.
-- I need money for Little Shop of Horrors tickets. And I've gotta help noel make her plant costume. Evidently the ushers are dressing up as plants. Silly people.
-- The world in general.
-- Spencer. I swear to god if he's doing cocaine again, I'm kicking his ass when he gets home!!
-- Shayna and Kazuki, we're losing touch, and I don't want to. With Kazuki I guess it's a little difiicult being that he's in Japan. But you know, I want to still be able to see him when he comes back hree for graduate school. He wants to be a biologist. And an Olympic Marathon runner. If he does become a marathon runner, he can have a sneaker called Air 'Zuki. We always used to tease him about that.
-- I want to go back to the Junior High and hang out and actually talk to Kleba. He's my home skillet.

Well, I think that's it. Hmm, I'm going to consult my Bartlett's and post a quote for the day...

"What use of bombs and antibombs,
Sovereign powers, brutal lives, ugly deaths?
Are men born to go down like this?" - Jean Toomer

I don't know, I saw this and I liked it. Hmm, what do you think? Well, I'm going for now. I'll blog tonight, i think. Unless I think it's just going to be boring.

2003-02-14T20:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day to those reading this blog. I hope you all enjoyed yours. My Valentine's DAY was great. I received a carnation and a singing telegram from my darling Sage :D The singing was great. The guys were awesome!! I guess you had to be there, but I wasn't as embarrased as I thought I'd be. And I thought it was funny that Alli Klinman came in and gave me a telegram to give to Sage, heh heh. She's great ;D Thanks Alli-son!! Then afterschool, Aaron Todd and I went to the Junior High to see Kleba. And we did!!!! And I got to say hi and give him a big hug, wow, I miss Mr. Kleba, he was tre-cool. But then we sat and we watched a little of the play. I'm so jealous!! Their play is amazing, and the King and I, well....it's not amazing. You have got to see the Junior High's plant costume for the show. It's so incredible!! But you've got to see it, it's so hard to explain how it works. Anyway, Ben Jaye was great, so funny!! They look like they're having a blast with it. I feel awful for the kids going into the highschool next year. They need to value their time with the Junior High plays, because I know, they're going to be let down when they get to the highschool. Poor kids.

Well after we left the Junior High, we tried calling Aaron's mom to give us a ride. But we couldn't get through. But we called a bunch of 1-800 numbers, like 1-800-buttock and 1-800-hotdogs. It's was a lot of fun. Not to mention we had a maraca thing, that caused car accidents with a flick of the wrist. I guess you had to have been there, but we had so much fun!! We also made a Jingle Bells remix. Aaron started going "Jingle----bells, Jingle----bells, jingle-----all the way!" Then I yelled "REEEEEEEEMIXXXX!!" And then we laughed uncontrollably, and started singing "Work it".

Well, anyway, I dropped off my chocolate covered strawberries at Sage's tonight. It was akward just coming over for 2 seconds, then leaving again. I just really wish I could be with Sage tonight. I really wanted us to have least tonight together. But no, and when coming home, I fought back the tears. I see him for 10 minutes a day, no lie, and I don't see him afterschool or on the weekend. Me venting frustration --------------->adkfkaraweahdfkjashdkjfhaekjthaewityhawdhf akmdshf kawhdet kjashd gkzjds htahe takqwhdsfkmzshd dasfg kjsdnhakjs g kjzsd. Whoo. Okay, I'm done. Wow, I'm really tired. My eyes are slowly dropping closed. It's hard to keep them open.

2003-02-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

Hmm, you know what i just remembered? Today, in Orchestra, Rachel Looney, Alli "Bad Ass" Berry, and I were talking about marriage and the future and stuff. Of course this all started when I said I had to start looking for wedding muzic. Rachel and Alli thought I was getting married. But I'm not. Anyway, we started talking about marriage. I said "Hey at least you guys will have someone to give you away when you get married. I don't want my father to. So I'll be going down by myself." Rachel suggested that my mom give me away, but I thought that'd be a little weird. Then Alli B.A. Berry said "Let Aaron Todd give you away." Rachel exclaimed "YEAH!!" Melissa replied, "Okay I'll tell him." So I did. Then Aaron started to act like my father, and Chad (who happened to be there) said, "So like after he gives you away, can I do you?" I was like "Sure." Aaron said, "No wait, Melissa you have to do your homework first." HA! So fun.

Rachel, ABAB, and I also talked about our kids. I told them that they'd be aunts to my kids. Then it fell silent. But Rachel exclaimed, "You know, I just learned to boil water!" We clapped and ABAB said, "I'm feeding my kids before they go to Aunt Rachel's house." ::laughter:: Then Rachel said, "Yeah they'd be like, 'Aunt Rachel, we're hungry!!' and I'd be like, 'Okay! Let's boil water!!' " Wow, that was one of my highlights for the day. That and when Ryan beat the crap out of Sage. Heh heh.........sage love you :D Okay i think that's all for the night. G'night folks!!

2003-02-13T19:25:00.000-05:00

Hey there persons. Hmm Valentines day tomorrow. I'm proud of my gifts for Sage. I think he'll enjoy them greatly. I worked hard to make them. Anyway, the randsom note was sent, and Mr. Saylor blamed it on Amanda Dirkson, and she said he would too, I thought that was hilarious!! Hmm, what else is going on? Well my sister and I officially made knorks (ka norks) Because my mom got these new forks with steak knife handles, so we took the knorks and wrote KNORK on them with Sharpie markers. SO much fun.

But Mr. Saylor was really being a stupid poopie fartknocker cracknut whore today. He automatically assumed that no one in class read the Great Gatsby, and made us write this stupid essay thing about it. All because no one felt like participating. And then he thought that we weren't understanding his questions so he started talking to us like we were kindergarteners. He was like "So what was Gatsby-poo feeling in this chapter-wapter of the booky-wooky?" And I was thinking, "Stupid smut, don't insult our intelligence! Thank the lord i took that damn sailor!!" And then everytime he posed a wuestion and no one raised their hand, he was like "Oh for Pete's sake, you people are driving me NUTS!!" and he said it with that STUPID annoying little freaky VOICE of his. @#%$%#$%$#^^$#^#$%^$#@$@#^$%&$%& !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He makes me soooooo angry!! Ugh, if you all only knew :P Well, I can't think of anything else, except i did this figure drawing with purple, magenta and yellow pastels, and it was off the heezy fashhzy maneezy!! Okay gotta go read Gatsby. I LOVE FITZGERALD. He's just a brilliant author. Read his stuff, you'll see what I mean!

2003-02-11T09:13:00.000-05:00

Hmm, I don't know what to write, but I've enver blogged AT SCHOOL before. Oh what fun for the Melissa, miester!! Aww hellz yeah. Anyway, I just took a math quiz, I'm pretty sure I falied it too, because I have no idea how to do anything because I missed the day they learned it. I mean I tried to learn the stuff, but could I do it?? No. Anyway, let me write about my surroundings. I am currently in rm. 213, there are signs everywhere!! Even one that says no perfume. Hmm, perculiar don't you think? Lauren Eldridge is playing Tetris. Will Bruce is doing some homework, I think Alex Nevitt is too. Jim Rossi and Brody are on lettergrade.com, Mrs. Ventura, my mathematics teacher, is putting in grades, Stasia Ork is reading, and two other kids I don't know are doing homework as well.

You know what I wish? That I could write about things that are on my mind, that are philosophical, and are intersting to read. Ru dawg dues a very good job at this, then again he could blog about pretty silly things. He just made the indian from The Village People on his blog, go check it out! I think he should mke the other members, just for some shits and giggles. I apologize for my lack of content, but there's not much for me to say at the moment. I'm a pretty happy and satisfied person.

Anyway, RHPS IS ON THE SAME NIGHT AS OUR SOPH HOP!!!! I'M GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL APRIL TO GO!!! Melissa is very distraught over this! Rachel said that she would go to RHPS all by herself, but I said no, because they'll do virgin sacrifices, and I don't want her to do that alone, I mean they do really dirty stuff, poor Rachel will be scared for life. So I'm not going to let her go until I'm going to be sacrificed.

Other Headlines:
Melissa shows embarrasing grade school pictures to people. Sage gets a hold of one and show KT her 2nd grade picture.
KT tells Sage to go to hell.
Ru dawg say, "Oh my God!"
Melissa tries to plant the randsom note for Mr. Saylor's sailor. Does not succeed because the Ms. substitute-teacher-with-the-weird scarfs-and-and-claims-she's-climbed-Mt.-Everest comes Melissa's way.

Speaking of that sub. She doesn't wear her silly scarves anymore, she wears earrings and she's...get this....HAPPY!! I think she's finally gotten into a relationship or something and now has a healthy sex life. Good for her. Oj well, that's all for now folks, bye bye :)

2003-02-10T18:04:00.000-05:00

My mom just told the most appaling joke ever!! (Te = Teresa a.k.a Mother, Mel = Melissa)

(Enter Te, into the cluttered bedroom of Mel)

Te: Hey Meliss--
Mel: What did I do now? (Mel turns towards Te, agitated)
Te: Nothing, tell me, what does NASA stand for?
Mel: (throws hands in air) How the hell should I know?
Te: It stands for Need Another Seven Astronauts (covers mouth because of laugther)
Mel: Mom, that's terrible! Who told you that?
Te: Someone at work (EXIT Te, Mel turns to computer to blog)

2003-02-10T17:52:00.000-05:00

Hmm, today was good. I got to see Sage again, finally, it'd had been 3 or 4 days! Ugh, can't tell you how much I love sage's hair. It's hot!! Sage, you're a real hotsy-totsy. Anyway, my day got even brighter when this was found in my mailbox!!

Hi Melissa,

Thank you for visiting our website! My name is Erica and I am cast manager for Transylvanian Nipple Productions! I completely understand your yearning to be apart of RHPS! I was the same way at your age...now I am 23 :) Unfortunately, due to your age, you are a little young to perform in the major roles right now. I would suggest that you come to our next show. If you really want to be apart of the show, we have just developed a Trannie Squad with people around your age that get to perform as Transylvanians throughout the show. You also help with stage crew! So, think about it and let me know! Please let me know when you come to the show, so we can give you the best virgin sacrifice ever...lol!

Erica:)

Oh boy oh boy, Melissa is excited!! And she's recruited more people to go on her trip downtown to see it!! Anyway, there is nothing of absolute substance going on in my life, or in my head right now. Bye all :)

2003-02-09T11:37:00.000-05:00

i've got a bad memeory. see? it's so bad i can't remember how to spell it. okay well, yeah i do know how to spell it, but you know my keyboard sucks, so it slips, uhh heh heh. Anyway, I'm going to go.

2003-02-09T11:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm sick of making links in my posts, so I put them on the left. Yeah anyway, hmm, yesterday, I was feeling pretty crappy again. I had a major migraine, I mean so bad, my eyes couldn't stay open very well. But when they did stay open, I took in a few movies. RHPS (of course), Tea with Mussolini (exceptional, i thought it was really good), and Shawshenk Redemption. I saw that movie many times before but I still love it, if you haven't seen it, it's a must.

Last night, I started to feel better, and I wrote in my journal. I've gotta find it it first hold on ::frantically starts searching room:: Ahh okay here found it:

2/8/03-

My world is a terrifying place. I haven't really realized this until I turned on the world news on ABC. When I heard that there was an orange alert and that the states on the Eastern border are under high security. My jaw dropped when I saw police walking the streets of New York with semi-machine guns. I'm afraid of the world around me and the strangers I encounter everyday. How am I supposed to know that someone over seas won't bomb the Eastern seaboard? How am I supposed to know I could die any second or lose people I care about? And you know what they just said? That people today are capable of making atomic bombs that bombed Hiroshima, into the size of baseballs. This is when technology can be a bad thing. See if it was still the 40's we'd know who has what what and we could get them. But now, anyone could be holding bombs and misslies. I mean, my neighbor, Walter, could be a spy for Saddam Hussein and has stuff in his garage. There's too many people who hold weapons and not enough people to get it all. Living in fear of the world sucks. No one should.

Yeah, I wrote that, and I made Sage's Valentine's day present. But that's it. There wasn't much going on last night. But anyway, I've gotta see these following movies: Freida, The Mystery of Picasso, and Shock Treatment. Ugh, soooo many movies, sooooo little time. It sucks much. Oh, and I have to get the DVD collection of all the Bond movies. I love James, James Bond. Oh well, that's all for now.

2003-02-08T09:26:00.000-05:00

Gosh, everyone is gone in my house. Well, not really, I mean NOeL is still here, but she's asleep. Hmm, and my mom and Gretta are downtown. Yeah, speaking of downtown, I've finally found a performance of RHPS!! It's for March 15 and Transylvanian Nipple Productions are the people putting it on. I've been on their site several times, and the guy who plays Brad Majors gave me some info, he's so nice :) Anyway, they seem like a good crew, and everyone will be so excited. AAAA!! I'm freakin out here man!! I think Sage is getting a little annoyed with my obsession with RHPS. I can tell, it's in his voice. But he can't tease me about it until he sees it!! Then he'll see why. Yeah, you definitely have to see it my dear. Care to come with us on the 15th?? You'll have fun :D <----- See, this is your face when you come with us because you'll have so much fun! Anyway, that's all for now. I'll probably blog at the end of the day.

2003-02-07T21:36:00.000-05:00

everyone needs a little change. i was going to pick the robot but, oh well, maybe next time! I luff robots though, i think everyone should have one...well maybe not, but you know, whatever, I'm just reposting this so the html can work, heh heh. Oh geez, I almost forgot my imood thing. oh geez. html kinda stinks sometimes, but hey look i got it!! YAY!

2003-02-07T12:42:00.000-05:00

you know what i just noticed? I just went to the bathroom, right? And the toilet seat was made by a company called "Bemis" and I was like, "Hey that's kinda like penis, but not!" oh well, sorry, just a random thought

2003-02-07T12:29:00.000-05:00

It's snoooowing, it's snoooowing!! I'm so happy :D yeah, I didn't really do my homework last night, I just wasn't in the mood, and I watched Anna and the King instead (Draco Malfoy was Louie!!) So it's a good thing we had a snow day. Yeah, and plus I didn't want to see Mr. Saylor, my English teacher, because I just threw a disk containing my vocab homework on his desk with a little note say, "My vocab." Honestly I didn't really feel like getting his crap for that today. But anyway. I feel good, I'm in my pajamas I now have a three day weekend, life is treating me good today. I SLEPT!!! But my tummy is angry. But that's my fault. Silly me ate a lot of sugar with my sister, NOeL and it's kicking me for that. Oh well. Anyway, I think I'm going out to see Chicago with Rachel, A.B.A.B and A-may!! Ugh, I've been dying to see it, it looks awesome. Well, nothing else on my mind right now, except I want more people to visit but that is progressing :) Oh well, happy snow day everyone!!

2003-02-06T19:21:00.000-05:00

The email recieved from my mom today:

God, I hate this e-mail name girl! Can't you change it before porn kings start
e-mailing you applications to do a movie with them? Melissa, I don't want you
to hate yourself or think you are selfish. I certainly don't think that about
you. I think you are the best 16 year old in the world. Believe me, I was
exactly where you are at 16, and I don't want you to have to suffer what I
did. But I guess you have to to grow. I agree, this is a good way to
communicate right now. Writing is always the best way for me to communicate.
Do you believe I am at the Abington library right now, with tears in my eyes
dealing with all this. I love you kiddo, and I always will. I can't help it.
You and your sisters are part of me like no one has ever been in my life.
Can't change that ever, so forgive me for always trying to be the Mom, protect
you from everything, and also forgive me for how difficult our lives can be.
It was never supposed to be this way, and the fact that you still love me
despite the kind of life I make us leave gives me a reason to get up every day,
and always will. Thanks hon. And just be careful.

All my love,

Mom

I'm a little more at ease with this whole situation now. I mean I'm still not happy about paying for the damage my sisters' made to her ceiling, but I'll fix that with a can of whoop ass. But I felt really depressed today. Especially this morning. It was nuts. But my day got better when my dear friend, Alison Finklestein, brought me a lunch she made for me. She's an awesome person. She's bringing me one for tomorrow too. I told her no because I'd feel awful, but evidently she's got to get rid of some of the food in her house anyway. She rocks XD And then I felt better, and I finally laughed for the first time today when Ryan introduced himself to our new student teacher, Mr. Eichman in class today. He said, "Hi, my name is Ryan Collins, and I'm an alcoholic, and I'm the sexiest man alive!" I'm laughing now just thinking about it. But his silly introduction made me burst out laughing in the middle of class when all was silent. I was a bit embarrased, but oh well, just gotta role with it. And then at the end of the day, my art teacher, Mr. Ferro, asked what was wrong and I told him about it. I mean not everything, but I gave him a genereal idea. He offered me some good advice, and that if I needed anyone to talk to, I could always talk to him, or he could help me find someone to talk to. He's awesome. He's by far, my favorite teacher. And of course my Sage, he got me smiling and laughing too, and I'm very thankful for that. Thanks babe, I love you :)

But something that still concerns me is that I still have trouble sleeping. I've had about 9 hours in the last 3 days, and I'm ready to sleep on my keyboard. So that's a good sign. At least I'm feeling tired. Before I wasn't. I think I'm going to try to go to bed later again. I've getting to bed by 10:30 not like, 11:15. Boilogical clocks are very weird that way. Oh well, there's not much more to say at the moment. But if I've got some random thought, I'll be sure to post. Because that's me. Yeah, okay bye :)

2003-02-05T20:49:00.000-05:00

Who got a comments server? Melissa got a comments server!! Woot Woot!! Aww hellz yeah! :D

2003-02-05T14:47:00.000-05:00

To the rest of my blog's viewers. I don't know who anyone of you are, if anyone else visits. because i don't have one of those cool comment server things, email me. gives me an idea of who the hell you are.

2003-02-05T14:40:00.000-05:00

Melissa has a really mean case of the mean purples. It's worse than the mean blues, worse than the men reds, it's a combination of both.

2003-02-05T14:37:00.000-05:00

I feel lower than dirt. I'm the worst person ever to walk the face of this Earth. I'm so selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish, that's all I am. After I reread it, then sent it so Sage, I could've killed myself. Mom, you shouldn't have to deal with such a crappy daughter. Don't worry, I won't kill myself. But if you feel like stoning me to near death, or chaining me to a wall and beating me, I wouldn't mind. It's the least you could do. Mom, and I'm terribly sorry for the short and insensitive email i sent you regarding the letter. For some reason, when I sent it to you, I was angry still. Not necessarily for what I wrote in your note last night, but for opening up a lot of things to me. Mom, you've been phenomenal over the last 16 years. I really, really, really, appreaciate everything you've done, and how hard you work to keep us alive, and in the house we are in. You've done so well raising us, but I threw everything you taught me out of the window, and I'm desperately trying to recover it. The reason why I don't come to you about my problems is becauseI've never felt comfortable around you to talk about sex and realtionships. Hell, I still can't talk to you about periods for crying out loud!! I mean it, really, I feel terribly uncomfortable coming to you about anything like that. When I told you about Spencer and cocaine, that took me weeks to muster up the courage to tell you about that. I think why I feel this wat is because we never talked about those situations when I was growing up. Because of that, I felt I had to figure things out for myself. I figured out too and when I have a problem, I dread having to come talk to you about it. But you're the only one who'd understand. There's just some things my friends don't know, and because you're experienced with what the world has to offer, I come to you. Do I wish I could come to you to talk about things comfortably? Hell YES! Do I regret not asking you enough before? Of course. Mom, I hope this is all making sense to you. This is why I stepped into my adulthood without you. I thought I could do it by myself, and I'm slowly figuring out that there's more to being an adult that I thought. Yes, I do know quite a bit about it, and you've helped me leard that. I've learned what it's like to have a family, because, when you were always working, I was taking care of Noel and Gretta, and desperately trying to keep everything in order so when you got home, you'd be happy. I've also learned a lot from all the hardships you've gone throughout your life. If life had been easier for you, I would be an extremely immature 16 year old girl. I'm happy that in some ways, I'm a little more grown up than the average 16 year old. I know from how much my friends know about the real world. Now, it definetly wasn't cool when I thought I got pregnant, and that definetly took me like 2934532984 noches down on the maturity scale. I'm sorry I put you through that. Mom, I hope you understand everything I've said so far. I'm asking for forgiveness for my selfish and immature behavior. You don't need to deal with a shitty person, like myself. If you need to respond to this, I'd rather you write me again. I feel we can't be face to face, talking about everything "vented" between us today. But that's just my mentality, I'm sorry. Good bye.

-Melissa

PS - But please consider what I wrote in the email about the whole ceiling thing, because it is true. I'm not saying Josh and Kevin should help me pay, but Noel and Gretta should, yes. Once again, as an adult, I feel I shouldn't be paying for all the damage, if more than half of it was done by others. And please, I can live with a messed up ceiling, so get yours replaced.

2003-02-05T14:09:00.000-05:00

Today, at 1:30 or so, this slipped under my bedroom door...

Dear Melissa,
Thanks for writing me the note you gave me last night. I'm glad you began the communication. I know you've been upset with me and I know better that to try and approach you when you are angry. I've been waiting until we could get a better place to talk about this situation. Writing works too, sometimes better that talking, especially when you are upset. Anyway, enough bullshit. Here's what I want to tell you about all this.

I have a very difficult confession to make. I did something I am not proud of, and I want to apologize for it to start with. I was getting on line the other day and I saw that you had an email from Spencer. I know he has been having problems, which you asked me for my help with, and I was actually worried about HIM. There were lots of exclamation points in the subject heading, so I opened it and read it just to make sure everything was okay with him. When I read his email I realized that thought you were pregnant. Again, I am very sorry I read you email. I have never ever done anything like that in the past, and I will never do it again in the future, because, first of all, I invaded your privacy and that was wrong. Secondly, that is not the way I want to find out about such bad news.

That's why I canceled your dentist appointment. I really though you must be pregnant at that point, since you did have some symptoms. Obviously, you and Sage have had unprotected sex. I cannot tell you what it did tome to learn that. I could not understand how you got yourself into such a situation. First of all, you are very well educated about taking the necessary precautions. You have had Red Cross AIDS training. Secondly, I have offered my help on numerous occasions to ensure that you would never find yourself in the awful predicament you were in when you wrote Spencer. For some reason, you have rejected my offer to help.

You have to understand, Melissa, that everything I have attempted to do as a Mother from the moment you were born was an attempt to put in place the right dynamics so that I could be there for you when you reach such difficult milestones in your life. I tried to put in place a mutual trust and openness between us, so that you could feel able to come to me and seek my help in this or any other difficult, troublesome situation. I completely failed you. I did not make myself the kind of mother you could turn to. I am sorry. I know how it feels to go through what you just went through. I never wanted that to happen to you, and I though, somehow I could keep you from it. I was wrong.

What you have been sensing from me this past week has not been hostility. I certainly harbor no hostility towards you and Sage over this. I just feel completely defeated. I feel like a total failure as a mother and I sort of don't know how to go on being your mother. You don't follow my rules. If I ground you, you go out anyway. I wanted to be there for you and help you take those first difficult steps into adulthood, but you took those steps without me, risking your entire future in the process, and I just don't know what more I can do for you in my role as Mother. I'm more upset with myself than I am with you. I feel life I must have done everything wrong, and I'm sort of depressed.

I considered just letting you go ahead and make your way in the adult world now that you seem to not need or want my attempts at mothering. I sort of feel like I should just let you start making all your own decisions, handle all your own problems, since I don't seem to really have that kind of function in your life anymore. Of curse, I will certainly put a roof over your head as long as I have one, and I will certainly continue to feed you, and provide all the basic necessities for you since you cannot yet support yourself. But as far as other things go, if you have decided to become sexually active, you decided what you need to do about that as far as taking precautions or dealing with the consequences of disregarding precautions. Then you will need to make it happen. I can't help you if you don't want me to help you. If you don't see the purpose of my rules, you will have to make your own rules, and again, deal with the consequences yourself.

On the day I canceled your dentist appointment, I also canceled the deposit check for Rowe. You wouldn't be able to go if you were pregnant, and I couldn't afford to lose $500. I am not saying you can't go. If you want to go you may certainly go. As an adult you don't need my permission to go, but now, you need to make it happen yourself. Since you have chosen to become an adult, you need to make these sorts of things happen yourself.

Again, I don't want you to feel that I'm being hostile. I have been dealing with so many problems lately that this is just another blow. Try to look at my life right now, Melissa. If I seem unhappy lately, please try to consider my burdens: I'm involved in an expensive lawsuit in which I may lose my home, in which case, I will not be able to live with my children. I just broke up with a man I love, then lost my job, have to deal with the stress and discomfort of starting a new job, my vehicle is on it's last legs, several of my older relatives are severely ill, and probably won't live much longer, our house is falling apart and neither the time, strength or money to fix it, and to top it all off, I had to deal with the hardest blow, that my 16 year old daughter might be pregnant, and I had let her down completely. My life is very hard and unhappy right now. Please don't think that my general happiness is hostility towards you. It's just an extremely difficult time for me right now.

Please just be patient with me. We will get through all of this. I'm doing my best I can to juggle everything. If I seem distant, angry, whatever, it's just I'm a little overwhelmed right now. My love for you has not changed one bit, and I will be there for you, whenever you let me be there for you. All you need to do is ask.

Love, Mom

2003-02-05T11:53:00.000-05:00

i feel like shit. if there was a piece of crap on the floor, I could sympathize with it, because i feel the way it does.

2003-02-05T11:52:00.000-05:00

I hate being sick. At the moment, I have a little bit of the sniffles, i'm pretty sure i have a fever, and i'm all achy all over. And you know? It's probably because I got no sleep monday night or last night. At 5:40 I came into my mom's room and I took some Tylenol, which knowcked me out, and I slept until 11:20. So I got a good six hours and I feel somewhat refreshed. This afternoon, I'll finish my homework, then chill until 9:30, and get in to bed by 10:00 or 10:15. That sounds good. I don't know not much is going on since last night. I wrote my mom a letter about how she had treated me the last couple weeks, I left it on her nightstand. I think she didn't even bother to pick it up and read it. That made me feel peachy :) <---------------- note this smile of sarcasm. Anyway, now there really isn't anything going on right now. Watching Colin Powell revealing all this information about Iraq and what they've lied about.

2003-02-04T06:33:00.000-05:00

eatin' bread

2003-02-03T21:32:00.000-05:00

Okay, this is the last fucking time I'm writing this post. This is trial number 3. I write my entire thing, and then I try to get this link and then poof, AOL is like the clown with the tear-away face, here in a flash and gone without a trace. Anyway, my dumb fuck computer should be fed to rabid baboons, and you know what? We should throw Ryan's comment server in with mycomputer to be mauled by the baboons, because every time I try to close the comments server, I get kicked off.

Anyway, because I don't feel like going into too much detail, I'll shorten the highlights/ thought of my day:
1) Melissa finds theaters to go to for RHPS midnight showings. Distraught because only has a three-people-posse willing to go.
2) Melissa looks for job. No one hiring, owner of the flower shop was wearing black t-shirt, ripped blue jeans, and had long hair. Melissa thinks this is a peculiar sight in a flower shop.
3) Melissa thinks about how she wants to be better friends with Ryan. Wants to be able to have an actual conversaiton with him, without feeling dumb around him.
4) Melissa finds Cosmo's Factory, a web site devoted to cult movies. There's only two cult movies, RHPS and Shock Treatment. Tre cool.
5) Melissa give two thumbs way up to Ryan's brother, Liam's, blog. Also, tre cool.
6) Melissa's sisters are in bed before 9:00. Peculiar behavior for the two beasts.
7) Melissa never get to talk to mother becuase mother is gone for work by 2:30. Aww. shucks.
8) Melissa decided to change her mood from discombobulated, because she never had a feeling of discombobulatity today.
9) Melissa makes new word, "discombobulatity"
10) Melissa goes because she's got nothing else to say, and her life at the moment is boring.

Oh wait, what's that?.......Oh really? Go on......oh so you want me to.......and then...........oh okay, got it!

11) Melissa relays the message that Sage is a man.
12) Melissa says Good night folks!